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Happosai's life of DOOM: Chapter 1, A Life In Review.
Rebecca Ann Heineman

Ranma 1/2 and the characters therein are the property of Rumiko Takahashi. Oh! My Goddess characters were created by Fujishima Kosuke.

I don't own these characters. Please don't sue me, kill me or have me descend into the depths of madness. Wait... Hadn't that already happened?

Niflheim was not the place most people thought it was. Yes, there were pools of lava and brimstone in the public baths, but those needed to be reserved a few days in advance if a patron wanted to get the best magma. Aside from the studios where they filmed the "Teletubbies" and the "Police Academy" movies, Niflheim wasn't that bad a place at all, that was, if one didn't mind the loud angst filled screaming or the bitter cold.

Tall futuristic looking skyscrapers dotted the snow covered landscape of this plane of hell. Numerous streets were filled with demons that wandered around doing those things that demons do, when they're not plotting world domination. Tallest of all the buildings in this unholy city was the home of the Demon Council, the inner circle of the demon elite. At the top of that tower was the throne room of the current master of Niflheim, Hild.

She was the beautiful, dark skinned, white haired demoness that ruled Niflheim. Wearing form fitting and very revealing robes, she sat on her throne that was made out of the skulls of her enemies. It was located in the middle of a raised dais surrounded by thousands of small demons that handled all of the paperwork that needed to be filled out, filed and woefully ignored. Most of the work was boring, tiresome and downright unnecessary, but it served a deeper purpose for those unfortunate souls. Hellish useless labor caused untold suffering among the workers and the pointless paper shuffling kept her minions' spirits depressed and broken. It was the model white collar office system, often imitated in other lower planes, but never duplicated. Many pointy-haired demon bosses that made their homes on Midgard, a place the mortals called Earth, came to visit to learn from Hild's wisdom and apply what they have discovered to promote suffering among the white collar office workers under their command on Midgard.

Taking a moment away from her happy thoughts of corrupting another human soul, Hild sipped from her wine glass and licked away the last drops of blood from the rim, savoring the flavor. Life was good. Happily, she tapped a few keys on the keyboard in her throne's armrest and read the latest status report from her field agents. Her spirit lifted further as she was pleased with her minions' progress on the plane of Midgard. All over the Earth, there were places of unrest, strife and just plain nastiness. The number of people who thought professional wrestling was a real competitive sport was at an all time high. Another Adam Sandler film was in production, guaranteeing that movie audiences would be experiencing more agony and wonder just why did they willingly pay for that torture. The instruction on the use of witchcraft to the world's children through Harry Potter lore was proceeding nicely.

She gave a toothy grin, showing a hint of her fangs, as she felt the waves of evil and darkness that came from the hearts of millions of twisted human souls. "Yes..." She relished in the dark power. "More evil... I can feel it... Huh?" A spike in the levels of evil she sensed gave her a warm toasty feeling. It was the same feeling of bliss she felt when Mt. Vesuvius blew its top so many centuries ago. This particular feeling, while good to her soul, was odd yet familiar, like she had felt it before. Usually such events gave her a gentle tingling, filling her mind with images of vampiric bunnies and black thorny roses dripping with blood, but this one had a tinge of delightful foreboding laced within it. It excited her that in the first time in ages, she was going to explore a new kind of evil. She sat up straight in her regal chair and focused her attention on a spot on the main island of Japan near the southernmost shore close to the city of Tokyo. She held her gaze there, not wanting to miss another spike and waited patiently to bask in its glorious darkness.

Then, she felt it. A cold, dark, bitter, and perverted evil, one she had sensed from time to time but couldn't pin down. Now was her chance to locate and possibly exploit this wonderful sensation by tapping directly into the source. She mused aloud, alerting her minions that something was afoot. "What's this glorious evil I sense?"

Rapidly typing commands into her terminal, an image of southeast Japan appeared and she zoomed in closer to see what was the origin of this great power. Her first stop was the Japanese Parliament building where many politicians were arguing about tax rates. She smiled as she watched the politicians reach for large blunt objects to throw at one another since screaming at the top of their lungs wasn't yielding their desired effect. "Ah, democracy in action," she whispered. She felt waves of distrust and suspicion radiating from the growing barroom brawl on the Diet floor. "Plenty of corruption there, no need to improve upon perfection, but..." Feeling her quarry was close by, she quickly pressed more keys and increased the scanner's sensitivity. She wasn't going to let the evil get away from her this time.

All around her, the worker demons were breaking out in sweat. On a giant viewscreen, the entire office office could see what Hild was tracking and they didn't like where the camera was being taken. Some quietly put down the papers they were shuffling to make a hasty exit. Others were concentrating their power to run interference with their mistress, lest she found out what everyone had been hiding from her for centuries. They all backed away from their leader as she called out in joy. On the viewscreen, was a particular mortal that all of the female demons gasped when he came into view. Hild was beside herself with glee. This mortal was composed of pure unadulterated unfiltered raw evil, and he was really short, old and repulsive. "Now, who is THIS?"

"What a haul!" Happosai, the pint sized three hundred year old perverted founding master of the Anything Goes school of martial arts, hopped on the lip of the stone fence that surrounded the front of Furinkan High School. He wore a thief's mask and carried over his shoulder a large black laundry bag filled to the brim with girl's gym shorts. A crowd of schoolgirls streamed out of the girls' locker room in hot pursuit of the aged dwarf. Leading the crowd was the tomboy, and unwilling fiancee to Ranma Saotome, Akane Tendo.

Her Furinkan High School uniform's long skirt flapped as she ran at top speed after the evil man. Akane held her bokken in front of her, ready to strike the little creature down from the wall. Her battle aura glowed blue as she called out to him in rage. "Give those back!"

Happosai ignored her and continued running away without a care in the world. Akane was angry that her father was too spineless to do anything about her family's horrible house guest and he again was up to his old habit of making off with her friends' underwear.

"Ha, ha, ha!" Laughed the little gnome as he bounced along the wall, taking care not to let any of his treasures fall out of the overflowing bag. He looked back at Akane and stuck his tongue out at her while still running away without looking where he was going. "I've rescued these silky darlings from you! They're mine I tell you, mine... Oof!" His forward motion was stopped when the back of his head impacted on the sole of a slipper.

Attached to the footwear was Ranma Saotome, martial artist and part-time girl due to an ancient Chinese curse. He nonchalantly pushed the old man backwards with his foot. The boy sporting a pig-tail in his hair stood on the wall in a casual pose, looking bored as the same stuff, different day routine kept up its usual predictable course. "Up to your old tricks again, eh, ya freak?"

Happosai looked away from the tall boy in annoyance. "You just got lucky." He patted his black laundry bag to see if he had lost any of his precious cargo. Nope, all it was all there. "I've got what I came for and there's nothing you can do about it. I only let you stop me because I felt like it. Now if you will excuse me, I've got things to do and more girls to see."

Ranma confidently smirked as he waited a moment to let Akane and the Happosai appreciation squad get closer. "Okay, how about if you see this?" He reached into his orange Chinese shirt and yanked out a handful of bras. "Bra-Fu!"

Happosai's eyes got wide in bliss as his gaze followed the lovely bounty that filled the air. Then his lights went out with a precise strike to the head, courtesy of Ranma's fist. His inert body flew off the wall toward the pavement below only to be intercepted by Akane's bosom.

The old man clamped on like a tiny squid and he squeezed the young girl's breasts tight. Akane yelped in surprise and anger.
"ARGH!" The young Tendo jammed her weapon between herself and the octopus impersonator to pry off the tightly attached lump to her chest. With a strong yank, her weapon flung Happosai across the schoolyard and she watched him fly away, silently hoping that he would receive a fatal smack against a tree. Too bad for the tree, but it would have been a noble sacrifice for the good of the planet. The sky was littered with something, so she looked up to see bras rain down from Ranma's previous attack. Angrily, the girl assumed the worst and shouted to her fiancee, "Those had better not be mine!"

"What would I want your underwear for?" Ranma shrugged, then plucked a few bras from the air and stuffed them back into his shirt for future use.

Akane's eyebrow twitched for a moment, as she wondered why Ranma carried a set of bras with him. Before she had a chance to ask Ranma to explain himself, a scream was heard from across the yard.

"Hotcha!" Happosai flew, arms forward like Superman, toward Yuka, Akane's classmate. The girl curled up and screamed with all her might as the living terror approached. Ranma, reacting to Yuka's cry of fright, jumped off of the wall to intercept the flying nightmare and landed on the pervert's head; cratering him into the concrete.

The old man was down, but not out. Despite his head being mashed into the ground, he shouted, "Happo-Daikarin!" A small paper ball with a lit fuse appeared in his hand and it was shoved into Ranma's chest. He only had a second to realize his error before the firecracker exploded, creating a blast that sent Ranma skyward trailing black smoke to mark his trajectory. He flew up and over the main school building, out of sight.

Happosai dusted himself from the soot and black powder residue from the explosive he had used. Sneering in the direction of Ranma's departure, the defiant old man spoke with a shaking clenched fist, "Nice try Ranma! But you'll never beat me! Never, you hear me! Never!"

He turned to glare at Akane who hatefully glared back. Their eyes stayed locked on each other for a moment before he raised his hands to his face with a childlike expression of sadness. Tears flowing freely, he wept like a toddler who had his lollipop taken away by a bully. "Oh, Ranma, how could you be so cruel to me? It saddens me that my disciple is so disrespectful to his elders. He almost ruined my collection! Akane, let me bury my sorrows... In your bosom!" The two mounds of flesh on Akane's chest beckoned him. He had no choice but to answer the call. He jumped with lightning speed to once again attach himself to his most favorite things in the world, besides female undergarments.

Akane held her bokken out with both hands across her breasts, using the weapon like a shield. The inhuman being grabbed it, swung around like a gymnast and flew over her head, and right toward the startled face of Sayuri. The poor girl covered her chest in a hopeless attempt to protect her body from his evil touch. "EEK!" She screamed and closed her eyes, not wanting to see what was about to happen to her.

"Sweeto!" Happosai changed direction in mid-flight as he saw a new and more attractive target, the bare glistening wet chest of Ranko Tendo.

Sayuri wasted no time and darted away from the impending destruction of the schoolyard. "Thank you, Ranko."

Taking a step back and holding her boobs out as irresistible bait, the red-head got ready to beat someone senseless. "Sweeto this, you ol' fool!" The just turned female after a dousing with cold water martial artist stuck out her foot to meet the path of the old fossil. She followed up with an elbow to his back and a fist to his shoulder. She saw Sayuri run to safety and gave a frustrated sigh. In female form, the student body had gotten used to calling Ranma, Ranko. She hated using the name Ranko Tendo, but if her mother ever found out that Ranko the girl and Ranma the boy were the same person, she'd be missing her head after a neat quick slice from the elder woman's katana.

Despite being used as a punching bag, Happosai was pleased with the view he had of Ranko's wet bare female chest. "You became a girl for me? How thoughtful of you." He reached out and tried to put the touch on someone, female of course.

"I'm a girl 'cause I got dunked in the swimming pool. No thanks to you, you ol' goat!" She lowered her shirt down to cover up her breasts, much to the disappointment to the male spectators of the fight. She jumped in the air and planted her feet on Happosai's head, pinning him down and he released his laundry bag of ill gotten loot. As it lay next to the freak, she grabbed it and lifted it high over her head to keep it out of his reach.

"Why'd you hit me so hard?" Happosai cried out with crocodile tears streaming from his eyes and he rubbed the parts of his bald head that weren't covered by Ranko's drenched slippers. Ideas of turning Ranko into a girl permanently flowed freely through his perverted mind. He wondered if he could use the weakness moxibustion again to have his way with her. Never mind the fact that Ranko would rather be boiled alive then have to go through any touching session with the little man.

Holding out the laundry bag filled with the gym shorts Happosai had stolen from the Furinkan Girl's locker room, Ranko shouted. "Because you're a thief and you deserve worse!" Behind her, a mob of extremely pissed high school girls gathered, armed with brooms, sticks, bokkens, chainsaws, and things that make you go boom.

The Master was very angry. Indeed, he was very, very, very angry. His unappreciative martial arts apprentice had taken his treasures away from him and was calling him a thief. A thief? Never! He saved those unmentionables and they were his rightful property. He knew that that boy turned girl must be taught a lesson in respecting his elders. He wiggled to try to get free, but was held down firmly by Ranko's foot. He was unwilling to surrender to someone who wasn't worthy to be a grandmaster of the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts. His face was shoved into the dirt again and he looked upwards at the treasure the girl was denying him. "Give me back my silky darlings!"

The pressure on his back was doing a number on his spine. At first, it hurt like hell, but then he imagined if Ranko was a Japanese masseuse and was giving him a back rub by applying pressure with her feet, so he stopped trying to escape and considered his options while enjoying the unintentional massage. He rubbed his throbbing forehead. "And you didn't have to hit me that hard, you know."

Ranko touched her finger to her lip as if she was rethinking her course of action. She wasn't. "I should've hit you HARDER, old man!" At this moment, she and Happosai were completely surrounded. Ranko was a little nervous with all these well armed but poorly trained women within touching distance of her captive.

Happosai took the moment of distraction as a battle opening. He squirmed out from under Ranko's foot and jumped at her breasts. "I'll take your apology!" He glomped her chest and buried his injured forehead in between her breasts.

Ranko jumped back in surprise and felt violated at the unwanted touching by Happosai. Being touched by him while she was in female form always creeped her out, almost as much as going out on a date with Tatewaki Kuno. She yelled at the little evil gnome as she took a swing at him with her fist. "I'm not apologizing, you freak! Take that!"

She tossed the bag behind her so the pervert bashing squad could recover the stolen goods. With both fists free, she smashed the little creature into the grass with an overhead strike while he was busy making her very uncomfortable. She placed her foot on his back to hold him down and applied more force than the last time to keep him from escaping again. Confident that she had Happosai right where she wanted him, she, in a cute voice, called out to the girls, "C'mon everyone, wadda you waiting for? An invitation?" In an instant, the gathered crowd descended on the old man and bashed him into a thin pancake.

Standing a dozen meters away, watching the growing cloud of dust and swords, Akane stood calmly and held her bokken on her shoulder. "Honestly, you'd think he'd learn by now." She had little sympathy for Happosai as he was brutally beaten by her schoolmates, random female passerby and a meter maid.

Ranko stepped back as the crowd smashed the pervert with more enthusiasm. The dust cloud covering the battle grew while the shouts of the girls got louder. They happily dealt out some payback for Happosai's invasion of their privacy. A girl was pulling on the cord of her chainsaw and cursing that the thing wouldn't start.

The red haired girl shook her head slightly at the common sight of Happosai being pummeled by an angry mob. "Don't think he'll ever learn. In fact, I think the freak likes it." Sighing, she took off her wet Chinese shirt and wrung it out, much to the pleasure of the males nearby. "Now I gotta go get dry, or hot water won't change me back."

Hiroshi and Daisuke stood with giant orbs for eyes and drooled slightly at the sight of Ranko's bare chest bouncing to and fro. Akane huffed and moved to block the pair's perfect view of the pair of flawless female appendages they had the privilege to witness. The Tendo glanced in dismay at her fiancee's lack of feminine modesty as Ranko made no attempt to cover up her breasts as she continued to wring water out of her shirt. Akane growled while moving around to keep Hiroshi from getting another peek. "You idiot! Put your shirt back on! Why don't you wait until you change back to a guy before you do that?" She noticed the small pile of bras that had fallen on the ground from the first attack. She added. "At least put on a bra."

Ranko twisted her shirt one more time to get the last of the excess water out. Upset that she was going to have to wear a wet t-shirt, which currently wasn't much better than being stark naked, she put her moist silk shirt back on to shut Akane up. "Fine! See how long you'd like to wear your clothes after you go swimming in them." She turned to go off to the men's room to dry her clothes in private. "Oh, that's right, you'd be too busy drowning."

Akane lowered her foot down after delivering a well deserved kick to Ranko's rump that sent her toward the men's room at hyper speed. "Idiot." She looked back at the battle raging among her schoolmates. Hands, arms, poleaxes and feet poked out from the dust cloud in rapid succession as the punishment continued. "They're all idiots."

Daisuke and Hiroshi never took their eyes off of Ranko, even as she slammed through the men's room door. The image of her in a wet chest-clinging shirt, all but exposing her breasts for the world to see was burned into their memories forever.

Daisuke spoke with sadness. "Too bad she's really a guy."

Hiroshi replied with equal sadness. "We need more guys like her."

Akane rolled her eyes. "I'm surrounded by idiots."

"P-P-Pretty ladies..." Was all Happosai could croak out before he was supposed to croak for good. The girl with the chainsaw slammed the blade down on the Master even though she couldn't start the thing to use it properly.

In the distance, unseen by everyone but Happosai, sat a black robed figure on a school bench. The man's bony hand held an ancient scythe and his other hand was fiddling with a small object. Getting bored, he tossed the spark plug for the chainsaw he was playing with over his shoulder, then took out a notebook, made a mark in it, and vanished.

Amazed at her good fortune, the leader of hell basked in the evil that emanated from the old man. "What a refreshing new evil. It's the kind of evil I've been looking for. He will make a fine demon." She watched the melee with delight. Blow after blow rained down on Happosai as he took his punishment and edged closer to death. Hild clasped her hands in gleeful excitement. "I see he'll be joining us soon. I want his file." She held out her hand in expectation while keeping her eyes on the monitor watching the carnage in Furinkan.

A rather icky looking slime covered blob-like demon slithered over to Hild holding out a file for her to read. She took the thin folder and opened it to the first page and read off the highlights. "Happosai, no last name, martial arts master, founder of the 'Anything Goes School of Martial Arts', created techniques for destruction, thievery, and
PERVERSION. Hmm... I like him already." She nodded in approval while flipping the pages looking for his scheduled arrival date into the afterlife. She reached the last page and found what she was seeking was missing.

Unamused, she turned to her icky minion. "Where's the rest of the file? I don't have the birth date, his star sign and the hour of his planned expiration. I see nothing in this saying that he's been granted immortality. When's his scheduled time of death?"

A spider like thing oozing gooey stuff gurgled a reply. "Uh, that's all we have on him."

She re-read the entire file in seconds and found it was woefully incomplete. Many events that were normal for a mortal life were missing, like the date of his first step, his first kiss and his first giving or receiving of a wedgie. "There's only life documented here for twenty years of existence. It describes time he spent locked in caves or in suspended animation from entrapment spells. Where's his childhood? Where's his years of training and why haven't the last two years been documented at all?"

"Uh..." Was all the demon could say to her request without being blasted into a million pieces.

Hild was not going to accept "uh" as an answer. "Is that all you have to say!" She glowed a sickly yellow color, pointed her finger and blasted the creature into a thousand pieces. She held her attack back so the demon would only take five years to reform back to normal instead of fifty. Hild was in a generous mood for finding such a delightfully evil creature in Midgard. As usual, a bat-like demon flew in with a portable vacuum cleaner to pick up the mess and take it outside with all the other reconstituting minions.

Looking for the termination date and still not finding it, she summoned the person who could answer her question without excuses or the word "uh". Raising a hand above her head, she invoked deep magic. "Grim Reaper, I order you to come forth!"

A cloud of smoke and flame appeared for an instant before Hild leaving behind a skeleton wearing a black floor length cloak and holding a scythe over his shoulders. Death stashed away a plastic bag from Blockbuster Video into his cloak and turned to look at Hild with his empty eye sockets in his bleached white skull. Moving his jawbone to speak, a haunting voice seeped out. "Why have you summoned me?"

She opened the folder and motioned for Death to look at it. "I need to know the date and time of a mortal's exit from Midgard. His name is Happosai."

The instant the name was uttered, Death cringed.

Hild continued in a slightly better mood since blasting her minions always cheered her up. "When will he be joining us? Will it be today? I was watching him get beaten in a manner that all but assured that he will not survive. Once he is brought before judgment, I will be in attendance. I have plans for him."

Death fidgeted and spoke cautiously. "He won't be arriving today."

"He isn't?" Hild checked the file for any blessings or wishes that could have been granted that would have given him a stay of execution. He would have needed one to stave off the angry girl with the chainsaw. Perhaps a day in agony before he expired was his fate. She wouldn't mind watching that. "Then, will he be arriving tomorrow?"

"No, he's not scheduled to arrive tomorrow." He wasn't happy at being put on the spot, but he couldn't lie to Hild. He liked his job and wanted to keep it.

Hild grew tired at the evasive answers. It was not like Death at all to play games about a mortal's date of departure. The grim reaper loved to ramble on about when, where and how someone was going to assume room temperature. Something was up, and she knew she wasn't going to like it. "When will he be arriving?"

"Soon?" Death answered meekly hoping that she would accept the answer and send him on his way. He wanted to watch his video of 'Faces of Death 19'. He had been waiting for the release of the DVD for weeks and it finally was in stock. He wanted to see all the places he did cameos for them.

She set the folder on her lap, growing more tired at the questioning. The more the questioning went on, the more she suspected that Kami-sama might be involved in this. He always made things difficult for her. "How soon?"

"Really soon?" Death looked for any excuse to leave. An assault by the Valkyries of heaven would be perfect right now.

Hild twitched her eyebrow. "Give me the date, time and method of exit from Midgard."

Death chattered his bony teeth as he knew he was in trouble. His little side business was finally coming to an end. He held up an open palm toward Hild. "I'll get back to you on that." He hoped that she would buy that answer.

Hild stood up in anger, startling her minions.
"WHAT'S GOING ON HERE!" Some creatures fainted while others checked the time to see if they could leave a few hours early to avoid the impending cataclysm, firestorm or nuclear detonation. "What's so special about this mortal that you can't give me a answer to a simple question!" She turned to another minion, fire in her eyes and a look of damnation to anyone who gave her the wrong response. "There's more to this file, isn't there?"

A pink bull-like demon that didn't want to be blasted into ten million pieces ran over to a dirty rusted filing cabinet. He lifted it up off the ground to show a very old and thick folder hidden underneath. Dozens of nearby female demons ran toward the file in an attempt to intercept it. A tentacle popped out of bull-demon's back to grab the file from the ground before a female fire demon could roast the paperwork. Hild teleported the papers from the growing fracas into the safety of her hands. The fire demon, upon seeing that the file had made it to Hild's hands, held her breath and exploded, saving Hild the trouble of blowing her up.

The other demons stopped their battle and bowed down toward their leader in the hope that they would be forgiven and only be banished for a century or two.

Giving her troops a glare that meant that they were indeed looking forward to a massive dose of pain and suffering, or a Jerry Springer Marathon, she scanned the very thick folder. Opening it to the first page, her eyes grew wide. "Birth date was... That's not possible." She turned to Death. "What's the meaning of this?"

Death just shrugged.

"According to this, Happosai is over three hundred years old. He was supposed to have died in 1789 when a group of Chinese Amazons struck him down with arrows after he stole the Nan-Ban mirror. Explain yourself; why is he still roaming around Midgard, very much alive?"

Death slowly spoke with deep remorse. He was going to have to wait a while before seeing the video. "It wasn't his time."

"It says right here that... Wait..." She read an addendum that said that the arrows were deflected in mid-flight missing their mark allowing Happosai to escape unharmed. She read the next page to find that the System Force, a failsafe of the Yggdrasil system to ensure that destiny was fulfilled, tried to correct the oversight. "Death, why didn't you take him the next day? There was an avalanche that was supposed to crush him into oblivion."

He grasped his scythe with his bony hand and held it tight. "It wasn't his time."

She read the next paragraph, finding that the boulders had formed an air pocket large enough that his small size fit in perfectly. The next day the System Force tried again to send the little man to the afterlife.

Hild turned the page. "The angry shopkeeper with the sickle?"

Death answered quietly. "It wasn't his time."

"The wild horse that dragged him for seven kilometers?"

"It wasn't his time."

"The lynching squad?"

"It wasn't his time."

"The volcanic eruption?"

"It wasn't his time."

She skipped over a volume of pages and found an interesting entry. "Nagasaki?"

Death nervously adjusted the fabric around his neck. "It wasn't his time."

Slamming the folder shut in fury, Hild turned a shade of crimson, a color that rather flattered her dark complexion. "It wasn't his time for over three hundred years! Tell me what's going on, or I'll have you ground into flour and serve your dust to a bone eater! Now, TALK!"

Death had no choice in the matter. He needed someone to take the fall and he knew just the right person. He raised his bony hand into the air and invoked a teleportation spell. "Mara, I summon you!"

A flash of energy appeared next to Death and Hild's Earthbound minion stood surprised at being snatched from the bar where she was hanging out. She was holding a cup of sake in her hand. Upon seeing her boss, she hid the small ceramic cup behind her back. "B-boss... Nice seeing you."

Hild looked at her underling and then turned her gaze back to Death. "What's she got to do with this?"

Mara looked at Death in confusion, then at the name on the file that her employer was holding and gasped. Her eyes grew to the size of saucers, which caught the attention of Hild.

"Mara?" The queen of hell stared at the file in her hand. "What's your involvement with Happosai?" All of the bowed demons, Mara and Death shuddered again at the mention of that cursed name.

"Uh... nothing?" She sheepishly smiled.

Death looked at Mara in the eye as best as a creature without eyes could. "You promised me a favor. I'm not taking the rap on this one. I'm calling it in."

Mara gulped.

Hild frowned in anger at the two before her. "What's the meaning of this? What's your involvement with this mortal?"

Death gave his command. "Confess Mara, about why you owe me a favor."

"W-what?!?" Stuttered Mara. She shivered at the thought of having to talk about HIM. "I don't owe you anything."

"Really?" Death peeked his skull out of his hood, "I kept my end of the bargain, now you keep yours."

"I... Uh... I... Ask me to do something else." She stammered. "Please?" She begged. "Not that." She whined. "Pretty please?" She pleaded.

"You made a blood oath. You cannot break it." Death commanded. "Now, I invoke the promise you made. Tell her the truth."

The minion of the queen of hell wanted to be anywhere else but here. A blood oath was an unbreakable promise, just as binding a contract as a promise from a goddess. Once a blood oath was used, she had no choice but to obey. She tried as hard as she could to remain silent, yet the words came out nonetheless. "I... I asked Death to spare Happosai's life." She convulsed when she spoke the mortal's name.

Confused, Hild asked. "Why?"

"It's... well... you see..." She fell on her knees weeping. Just thinking about HIM brought terrible memories crashing down on her psyche, threatening to tear apart her sanity. The cat was out of the bag and she knew what could happen. The very idea of HIM going to hell was... Was... "Please! Don't bring him here! NO!!!"

Turning pages far faster than any mortal could, Hild read the file from cover to cover. "There were over a one hundred thousand attempts on his life. The only lull in this activity was when his two disciples got him drunk, threw him in a barrel of Nitro-Glycerin, placed him in a cave and detonated a ton of TNT. All that explosion did was put him out of action for ten years."

Mara's eye bugged out. "A.. A hundred thousand attempts?" She glared at Death in delight. "You've spared him over a hundred thousand times for just my oath?"

Death was on trial and the white-haired judge could spot a lie light-years away. Besides, Happosai's chips were about to be cashed in so there was no use in hiding the truth anymore. "Actually, your oath was only good for the one attempt."

Eyes twitching even more, Hild scanned the assembled group as the pieces fell into place. Mara wasn't the only one who asked for the evil man to stay on Midgard. She studied her demons and found many of them twitching and spasming with guilt. "How many of you had asked for Death to spare Happosai?"

Everyone female in the room but Hild raised their arms, tentacles, claws and miscellaneous body parts. Hild turned to Death in anger. "And who spared him today?"

He popped out a notebook and examined a recent mark. "That would be the goddess Peorth."

"A goddess?" Hild read the folder again. "I see is that this man is a thief, pervert and hated by millions. Why has he attracted the attention of a goddess?" She read the next to the last page. "Oh, he stole her underwear... How did he? Nevermind, but that's not a reason to spare him. If anything, a goddess would welcome his removal from the mortal plane."

Mara bawled out with genuine tears. "You don't know what it's like if he touches you! I know! I still have nightmares about that little creature! Leave him on Midgard, I beg of you! You'll doom us all!"

Scoffing at her minion's groveling, the leader of hell dismissed her pleas with a wave of her hand. "Nonsense! I've been looking for someone like this for centuries! Finally I've found the perfect candidate for the position." She smirked at Death as a new entry faded into the last page of the file. "I see that the System Force has decided that he's due to expire tomorrow at 10:15 AM."

Death gritted his teeth; pretty easy for someone with no lips or gums to get in the way. His only regret was that he had the next fifteen years already booked for sparing Happosai's life. He was going to have to release all of those promises and oaths he had collected in advance. Death tilted his head, resigning himself that his free ride was going to end. He had countless demons and goddesses that owed him favors already, so he didn't mind too much that he had to finally bring in this over-ripened soul. "Consider it done, my Queen. Expect his arrival at 10:15 AM Tokyo time, tomorrow."

Death faded away into nonexistence as he went back to his normal rounds, but first he made a quick stop at home to watch his newly rented movie.

Hild turned to her minions who were still prostrating themselves before her. Aiming her hand at them, a bright beam of energy flew out and roasted the horde. The creatures ran or slithered or moved however they do in every direction to try to put out the fires charring their flesh.

Aiming her hand at her only non-flaming minion, she smiled. "Now, Mara, you will tell me everything you know about Happosai."

Shuddering in fear, she told of her experience at the hands of the little pervert. The chase, the touch, and the loss of three complete sets of underwear just to start. Once her tale was complete, the blond demoness was a blubbering weeping heap on the floor, sobbing her eyes out. The demon queen smiled. "Such delightful evil, he will make a perfect demon of Perverted Sex."

Mara quaked in terror, for her worst fear was indeed coming to pass. Happosai was going to hell. Heaven help them!

Author's Notes: Please review my story. It makes me feel oh so happy and keeps your underwear safe and sound.

Last edited on Saturday, June 23, 2007

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