Becky's Burger Emporium Fiction, Programming and Mayhem

Previous chapter | Home | Next chapter

Happosai's life of DOOM: Chapter 5, Who Ya Gonna Call?
Rebecca Ann Heineman

Ranma 1/2 and the characters therein are the property of Rumiko Takahashi. Oh! My Goddess characters were created by Fujishima Kosuke. Other characters appearing in this chapter are owned by their respective property holders.

I don't own these characters. Please don't sue me, kill me or keep me away from the premiere episode of "Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon".

The street lights lazily moved by the windows of the unmarked police car as it drove down the narrow streets of the Nerima ward of Tokyo. The full moon shone brightly, adding to the eerie illumination of the neon glow of the city lights. Detective Miyashi scribbled another mark in his notepad as he slid another piece of the puzzle into place. He bit the eraser at the end of his pencil in thought, shaking his head slowly in frustration. "This case doesn't add up."

Officer Narita gently applied the brakes, slowing the car as they came to a red light. A single pedestrian crossed in front of the car as they waited for the light to change. He gave out a soft laugh. "It's Nerima, nothing adds up around here. Rumor has it that they've got people who can change into animals. Can you believe it?"

"What sort of an attitude is that?" asked the detective as he pulled out the rubber end of the pencil from between his lips. "What's it with you people? It was nothing like this in Yokohama. We took capital crimes seriously. People changing into animals, hah! Next you'll be telling me that people can fall four floors without getting hurt."

Smirking in response, the driver turned only his eyes to his passenger then back to the road. "Well, Yokohama doesn't have the assorted wackos like here." The light changed and Narita gently nudged the car forward, taking them closer to their destination.

"Wackos... Heh, I can see what's going on. The Shiratori and the Kuno families probably bought the main police force off, but I'm not someone you can bribe. I'll get to the bottom of this."

"Bribe?" The driver laughed out loud. "I wish it was something like that. I could afford to live closer instead of taking the train into town every day."

"Beg pardon?" Turning his head to his subordinate, he continued. "I've got a dead body, massive property damage, a trucking company who's looking for someone to sue and no one seems to care anything about it." Recalling the celebration the office ladies held in the back room of the police station, it made the detective even more curious about the circumstances surrounding the old man's death. "It seems that everyone wanted to sweep this case under the rug."

"Sometimes, it's best to just not ask questions. Ah, here we are." The driver slowed the car to a stop about a block away from the Tendo's home. The street was jammed with parked cars, rickshaws and a beat up white hearse with a red police light on the center of its roof. He put the car in park, hit the emergency brake and pulled the keys out then turned to his superior. "Look, it's not really my place to say, but I gotta warn you about that house."

"About what?" He pointed to the home ahead, an orange flickering light came from the other side of the compound wall. "Are they the Japanese Mafia?"

"I wish." Narita sighed. "At least then I'd know where I stood. You sure you want to question the kid now?"

Snapping his notebook shut, the newly transferred detective from Yokohama unbuckled his seat belt and exited the vehicle. He walked toward the compound with purpose and conviction, worthy of an officer of the law.

Narita shook his head while carefully watching the detective walk off He sat in the car, impatiently waiting for the fireworks with morbid curiosity. "They always have to learn the hard way."

Miyashi was almost at the front gate when he heard a woman scream from behind the compound wall, followed by shouts of terror. Years of police training kicked in as he drew his pistol and flattened himself against the stone wall. He took several quick steps until he reached the wooden gate and took a position just behind the entryway. He breathed deeply and was ready for anything that these criminals could throw at him. Keeping the safety of his pistol on to prevent an accidental discharge, he turned toward the open gate, aimed his weapon and...

He was trampled by dozens of people running for their very lives.

"Oh my!" was all Kasumi could say before her eyes rolled up into her head and she fainted dead away at the sight of the little old man completely covered in fire. Akane rushed in and caught her older sister before she hit the floor.

"Master!" cried Soun as he prostrated himself before the little smoldering pervert. Hiding his sorrow that the Master didn't stay dead by burying his face into the soft dirt, the Tendo elder begged for forgiveness. "I'm so happy to see that you're safe and sound."

"Now that's how you're supposed to treat your Master, Tendo." The master of disaster snarled. "Don't think I don't know what you've been up to." Happosai leered at the rapidly thinning crowd, looking for anything to catch his lecherous eye. He turned his attention to the panda who was also bowing down before him. "Hey there, Saotome! Whatcha gotta say for yourself?"

The panda raised a sign while maintaining the position of utter groveling. "Welcome back, Master!" He flipped the sign over, "I'm Mr. Panda, somebody else is Saotome."

"Now, that's the way I like it, my pupils." Happosai smiled over his two best students. They were the best because they were his only students and they knew exactly how to show proper respect to the Grand Master of the Anything Goes School of martial arts.

Cologne twirled her cane in defense of an expected incoming attack. She threw a handful of wards at her former boyfriend from over three hundred years ago to prove her theory of why he was still alive. "You! Back to the pit from whence you came, foul creature!"

Tentacles popped out of the little man's back and snatched the wards from the air. They all burst into flame on contact with the fleshy ropes leaving sparks and puffs of smoke in their wake. He reeled his vines back in pain. "Hey, that smarts."

Cologne gasped in fright. "No! Not him! May the ancestors protect us!" She shouted to the table at the far side of the yard. "What are you waiting for? He's a demon! We've got to send him back to hell!"

A girl with huge braided hoops in her hair jumped into the air, somersaulted and shouted a transformation phrase. "I hold no enmity against those coerced into evil... but to those vile beings who toy with the hearts and souls of men..." She added, "or women." For an instant, her clothes vanished, she twirled with her arms outstretched and landed wearing a red silk Chinese style long dress with a ying-yang symbol on her chest. "We, since the time of Ancient Gods, have been your destroyers. Now, the 108th generation Devil Hunter, Yohko, is here! Beware!" A long two handed sword appeared out of nowhere and she stood in a stance, ready to deliver a killing blow on the foul pervert. "Hiyaa!" she screamed as she brought the blade down to bear.

"P-pretty lady..." Happosai drooled at the moment he got a free show from the magical transformation. His survival instinct kicked in a moment before he was about to perform long division in a physical way, courtesy of a magical devil killing sword. He jumped and latched onto the two great mounds that called his name from behind the black and white symbol on the girl's chest. "Hotcha!"

Yohko's hair became undone, popping out of its twin braids, and it flowed down her back in a beautiful style blowing in the breeze. The girl gave out a primeval scream as the creature from hell touched her in just the wrong way. "
ARGH! Get it off me!" She bashed the little freak with the hilt of her blade repeatedly, but it had no effect on him. Since that tactic didn't work, she reversed her sword and jammed the pointed end between herself and the gnome in an attempt to pry the little monster off. She wiggled her blade, twisting and turning it to get some sort of leverage, but the little man was attached to her breasts too tight and wouldn't let go.

Azusa, Yohko's sidekick and Devil Hunter in training, sat dumbfounded at the speed at which Happosai could move. "Yohko! I'll save you!" She began her transformation into a devil hunter. In a moment. she was wearing her devil hunter uniform and had summoned her spear in her hand.

"Woo hoo! Babes!" Happosai lost interest in his current victim and bounded over to the newly transformed Devil Hunter Azusa. "Glad to see me?" He disappeared under the hem of her dress and crawled all over her body. The girl stood frozen as she was being violated, her spear falling out of her lifeless hand.

Ranko screamed out, "Get away from her you letch!" She pulled open her kimono and instantly Happosai appeared and shoved his head between her breasts. Ranko punched the little man into the ground, but he bounced off the soft earth and flew off.

Nodoka's face flushed red in embarrasement. "Ranko! That's no way for a lady to fight!"

Kodachi agreed, "A true lady wouldn't resort to such tactics."

"I don't see you doin' nothing 'bout him!" Ranko shouted back as she closed up her kimono.

Her mother spoke in a disapproving tone. "That wasn't very ladylike at all, you should let the others handle this."

"Indeed, you need to keep out of this, you harlot." The gymnast reached into her kimono and extracted a vial. She was about to pop open the cork when a tiny spatula flew by and shattered the glass. A cloud of green gas erupted and knocked Kodachi out cold.

"You owe me one, Ran-chan." Ukyou cried out then pulled out her large spatula. "Now what's he doing?"

Happosai landed on Ukyou's head and looked down at his victim's face. "You're such a prettier lady with your hair down. Now if you'd put your clothes down, I could..."

Gritting her teeth in anger, Yohko swung her sword at the top of Ukyou's head. The weapon made a loud clang as the flat of the blade made contact with her forehead instead of Happosai, who was nowhere to be seen. The girl fell backwards, out cold.

"Where did he go?" Yohko looked up, down, and all around, searching for her target. Not once did she notice the freak sitting on the tip of her sword. The old man jumped down and once again put the squeeze on her breasts. "Woo hoo!"

"Hold still! I'll stake him!" Buffy Summers, a young blond haired American girl, visiting from California, had been told by her mentor Giles that this demon was no different from the countless ones she had dispatched as her role as a Slayer. She was going to have a talk with him once she went back to her hotel. She grabbed a wooden stake from her purse and jumped in front of Yohko as the Devil Hunter was rapidly losing energy from Happosai's life force drain technique. A technique that required lots of hands-on experience, touching, feeling... well... you get the idea.

Buffy picked just the right spot on the freak's back to impale him and raised her arm up to send the wooden dagger straight into his heart. She thrust her arm down and connected, striking the little pervert square in the spine.

Except, Buffy's hand was empty at the time of the blow.

"Looking for this?" smiled the little freak as a tentacle, holding the stake, flew overhead. "Wanna do a threesome?" He lashed out two tentacles and groped the tall girl just under her breasts. He fondled her backside in a way that the Slayer would have nightmares about for weeks. "That's the way I like it!"

Yohko couldn't take the drain anymore and fell backwards onto the ground, her sword clanging as it hit the earth. Buffy swung her arms around to knock the groping appendages away as the demon fell with Yohko downward. The Slayer did a backflip to get some distance and some time to think of a new plan.

Standing at the wedding altar, wondering if he was going to get paid for his services tonight, Reverend Guido Sarducci adjusted his wide brimmed black hat and opened his bible to the proper page. "Ah... Yeah... This looks good. For a 2 for 1 special on Domino's Pizza, call 1-800... Wait a minute..." He tossed aside the bookmark. "Oh, yeah, that's better... Do you Ranma Saotome, take Akane Tendo..." He looked around the growing fracas. "Is Ranma Saotome here?"

Ranko was in an attack stance waiting for an opening to send Happosai into la-la land. She skittered to and fro avoiding the tentacles that went in random directions. "I knew he wasn't dead. When did that little freak go to Jusenkyo?" She paused for a moment. "What spring did he fall into?"

"You got me," answered Akane, who stood by Ranko's side. She wielded a very large mallet. "Don't you know?"

"It's not like they listed them all. If anybody knew that, it'd be Pops. He's the idiot who got the brochure in the first place."

"Honestly," Akane sighed.

"I've seen his tentacles and they don't look the ones from the Spring of Drowned Octopus, though he sure uses them like it." Ranko looked around, "Hey, where is Pantyhose anyway?"

Pantyhose Taro appeared and punched Ranko in the head, "Stop calling me that!" He turned around in outrage. "How dare you lie to me Tendo!" He grabbed the collar of Soun's shirt. "You said he was dead!"

Soun cried like a little girl.

Happosai landed on Taro's head. "Hey there Pantyhose, ol' boy! I was dead for a while, you should try it some time." He struck the five-way cursed man with his pipe and sent him into a solid wall. "And your name's still Pantyhose Taro!"

Buffy blinked. "Pantyhose Taro? What kind of a name is that?" The girl shrieked as the demon appeared out of nowhere and right up against her bosom. "Why aren't you wearing pantyhose my little lady? And this bra doesn't suit you. Try this one instead." He held in one hand a simple white cotton bra which the blond girl recognized as her own, the other was a black racy number that a prostitute would find embarrassing.

In less than a second, Buffy figured out she was braless and that there was a draft under her skirt. She grew angrier and made a fist. "Why you little animal! Give those back!"

Happosai dodged her blows with little effort. "Nya, nya, can't catch me!" He was flattened with a mallet strike.

Akane pulled her mallet out of the ground and extracted the bra and panties from Happosai's limp hand. "Here you go Miss, you can go to the bathroom to change."

Buffy grabbed her underwear in a huff. She stared down at the man embedded in the crater on the ground. "I hope it's dead. Just what is that thing? Nevermind." She pulled out another stake from her purse. "Time to check out." She tried to stab the freak, but he moved aside while still unconscious. She plunged the stake down again, only for the foul beast to dodge without waking. "How in the world? Hold still!" She followed the rolling freak, trying to send it back to hell and it avoided every one of her strikes with ease.

Buffy took a moment to realize she was still holding her own underwear in her hands. Blushing, she ran off to put them back on.

Azusa finally recovered and jumped to intercept the rolling pervert, holding her spear over her head. "YAA!" She sliced the ground barely missing the creature. She jumped into the air, flipped and stabbed her blade downward using all of her body weight to ensure that the spear would impale the demon, killing it.

The plan would have worked had she been fighting a normal demon. The instant her blade was only ten centimeters from the freak's skull, he tapped the tip of the blade with his pipe with enough force to deflect it, leaving the poor girl in an intercept course to his groping hand.

Grope he did. Squeezing Azusa's breasts to suck out her energy and derive perverted pleasure for Happosai's enjoyment, the new demon revived instantly. "Sweeto!"

"AAAAAAAHHHH!" Azusa screamed as she dropped her spear. "Mommy!" She curled up into a ball, weeping. "Make it stop!"

"I haven't started yet!" The little pervert was drooling while he was fondling the Demon Hunter in training. His tentacles flailed about in random directions, seeking out any female in touching distance.

Ranko found her opening and charged. She leapt into the air with her feet outstretched to land on the little man. Her feet made contact and he was shoved into the ground. Ranko wasted no time with a follow up kick that sent the old man into the backyard wall. Ranko bounced off of a rock near the koi pond and propelled herself to punch the little man into the sky. From above, a group of pink tentacles wrapped themselves around her arm and flung her into the sky instead. Happosai laughed as he emerged from the hole in the wall. "It seems these things have their uses after all." He retracted his extra appendages and clasped his hands together in glee.

Cologne stood there, holding a ward in front of her. "How did this happen?"

The pervert kept rubbing his hands together in mischief. "Maybe if you weren't such a prune and were more like a pretty lady, I'd tell you."

The elder felt strange, as her years melted away and her height changed. Her hair went from a silver white and became a deep dark purple. Her long robe hung on her like a miniskirt and her skin became as smooth as silk.

Shampoo dropped her bonbori in awe. "Great-Grandmother?"

Cologne blinked. She blinked again. She looked down at herself and saw that her body had become that of herself when she was only sixteen years old. "How?"

Happosai stood there, drooling. "P-p-pretty lady..."

The elder's clothes changed into a silk cheogsam that barely went a few centimeters below her crotch. Her nails grew and were colored a deep purple to match her hair. Makeup adorned her face and sparkling earrings appeared. "Shampoo, we must leave, now."

Shampoo nodded. A second later, both women disappeared over the wall. Mousse ran after them but ran straight into the rear of the Tendo home.

As Happosai stood dumbfounded, his tongue sticking out dripping drool, a group of four men got up from the far table. All of them were wearing grey jumpsuits and had strange scientfic equipment strapped to their backs. In holsters, they each had a large object that somewhat resembled a nozzle from a gasoline pump. This nozzle was attached to a thick hose that connected to their backpacks. An insignia adorned the men's shoulder. The patch was that of a white cartoon ghost inside of a red circle with a red slash though it.

"Okay boys, amateur hour is over, let's show them how it's done." Dr. Peter Venkman, the so called leader of the group put down his sandwich and stood up with his of paranormal investigators and eliminators. "This is a job for..."

The four cried out in unison, "The Ghostbusters!"

Happosai looked perplexed at the four strangely uniformed men. "The who?"

Blinking, Dr. Venkman retorted to the shriveled old man. "Wadda ya mean the who? We're big in New York city!"

Dr. Ray Stantz armed his weapon. Flicking a switch, a deep electrical sound came from within his backpack. "Charge 'em up!"

Winston Zeddemore, Dr. Egon Spengler and Peter turned on their units. "Ready!"

Ray smiled. "Roast 'im!"

The four men fired their proton beams right where Happosai stood. The freak jumped into the air and somersaulted over the Ghostbusters and landed on a small statue behind them.

Nabiki and Kasumi peeked out of the newly created hole in the kitchen. They looked at each other, then looked at the hole as it continued through the living room and out the front of the house. Nabiki muttered, "I'm making sure that's coming out of their fee."

Kasumi picked up a board and a hammer and nails. "Now?"

Nabiki replied. "Later."

Peter Venkman groaned. "Why do we always get the nimble ones?"

Ray nodded. "At least he's not a dog."

Peter stared back at his friend.

Ray gulped. "At least he's not a dog right now. I mean, it was your girlfriend that was a dog. Uh... I'm shutting up now."

Peter rolled his eyes.

Winston had had enough. "Look you, we can do this the easy way, or the hard way. What will it be?" He tossed a ghost trap into the center of the yard.

Happosai laughed and held his stomach as he mocked the men. "That's funny! And how do you suppose you're going to do that? Your little pop guns are nothing compared to the power of the Anything Goes School."

Egon started typing into a little Palm Pilot. "Anything Goes School? I can't find a reference in the Tobin's Spirit Guide."

"Idiot! It's only the ultimate form of martial arts ever conceived of in the history of mankind! I should know, I created it!" Happosai was miffed that there was anyone who didn't tremble in fear of the Anything Goes style.

Dr. Ray Stantz stood tall and pointed an accusatory finger at the demon. "You! By the power vested in me, by the City and State of New York."

Winston interrupted, "Tokyo, we're in Tokyo."

"And Tokyo too," he added. "I demand that you return to your realm of existence or the nearest convenient parallel dimension."

Thinking about the only creatures that might even stand a chance against his unholy powers, Happosai ventured a guess. "So... Are you a god?"

"Well, not..." The other three jumped on Ray to keep him from answering the question.

Winston held Ray's mouth covered tight and whispered into his ear, "You remember the CORRECT answer, right?"

Nodding that he understood, the other men released the good doctor and he unruffled his grey jumpsuit. He took two steps toward the little smug gnome and proclaimed. "YES! I'm a god."

The little demon rubbed his chin in deep thought, "I don't see any marks on his face, his aura is unremarkable and he does seem to be cocky enough to be one of those goody-goodies." He thought of his new place in the universe and knew deep down that gods and goddesses were his mortal enemies. Enemies that were to be dealt with in the strictest sense. "Then... DIE!!"

"Huh?" was all the Ghostbusters could say before a barrage of firecrackers exploded all around them. The men jumped or were thrown in every direction among popping explosions and debris. After a half of minute of solid destruction, the bombing ceased.

Egon sat up shaking his head to remove some dirt. "There isn't a right answer to the question, is there?"

Ray replied. "I guess not."

Bursting out from under a mound of dirt, Peter angrily yelled to his teammates. "Okay, that guy's sushi!"

The other three shouted. "Right!"

Happosai watched the quartet with great amusement. He hadn't had this much fun ever since he arrived at the Tendo home. The four men created a line and marched in unison. They pulled out their weapons and aimed them at him.

Ray asked. "Ready?"

Peter asked. "Should we cross the streams?"

Egon halted his march. He pulled out a notepad and started writing something, then typed a few commands into his Palm Pilot.

Peter asked again. "Should we cross the streams?"

Egon was reading a passage in Tobin's Spirit guide. He cross referenced what he found in his Palm Pilot, then wrote something in his notebook.

Growing impatient, Peter asked again. "Should we cross the streams or not?"

Egon was surrounded by a mound of notepad paper as he continued to cross reference his findings with his growing pile of books. "Uh... Maybe."

"Maybe! Is that all you've got to say!?"

Ray quietly whispered, "Uh, guys?"

Anger got the better of Peter. "Maybe? Do we cross the streams or just fry the little guy and call it a night?"

Winston added. "Guys?"

Egon held five notebooks, three tomes, a crucifix and a sandwich and feverishly typed information into his hand-held computer. "I'm getting close."

"Ahh!" screamed Ray as he fired his weapon, destroying a large boulder that had been thrown at them. Pebbles rained down in a shower of stone.

Peter raised his arm to deflect this incoming storm. "What the heck? Why didn't you tell me he was going to do that?"

Winston fired his weapon at another incoming stone. "I hate to break up your little chat, but I'm kinda busy.

Peter fired his weapon at the latest incoming object. Tatewaki Kuno was instantly fried and covered in soot and flew off into the heavens. "I hope Japanese health plans are good. He's going to need it."

Egon tossed his notebook aside and flipped a coin. After it landed, he called out, "Don't cross the streams."

Peter gave a smug look. "Now we're talking." He fired at the latest object that came toward them and a flaming panda bear landed in the koi pond.

Egon raised an eyebrow in worry. "You do know those are an endangered species."

"Not as endangered as him." He fired directly at Happosai who stepped to the left to dodge the beam.

Ray fired to the far left and the two men moved their beams together. Happosai slowly moved directly between the beams. Inside the house, Nabiki, Akane and Kasumi hit the floor as their home was being cut in half.

"Foolish mortals." Happosai jumped into the air as the two beams came within centimeters of each other. The moment he started his jump, Winston and Egon fired their weapons directly above him and he went straight into the beams. For a moment, he flashed a bright yellow and burst into flames.

Ray shouted. "Now!"

Winston pressed a button on his gun and the trap in the yard sprung open. Instantly, Happosai was sucked in and the trap sealed shut.

The men ceased firing their weapons and gave each other thumbs up. Winston whooped in happiness, "It's Miller time!"

Buffy emerged from the house. "I see you got rid of that... thing. I'm out of here."

Yohko and Azusa nodded in agreement. "If you need us, here's my number." Yohko handed Soun a business card. The three girls went home.

Peter holstered his gun. "That wasn't so bad, now was it?"

The second story of the Tendo home imploded, sending a cloud of debris into the air. Soun wept. "My house!"

Akane grabbed her sisters and jumped out of the kitchen window, just before the entire house came crashing down. Soun wept louder.

Nodoka went over to Soun to comfort him, "At least the dojo is fine."

With that, the dojo fell over and shattered into a pile of splinters.

Mrs. Saotome felt sorry for Mr. Tendo, she tried to figure out something else she could say to cheer him up. "Your wall seems to have only a little damage."

The wall surrounding the compound collapsed in a pile of dust.

"Your garden..."

The tree by the koi pond burst into flame, then fell over into a pile of ashes.

She was about to say something to the tune of Soun still had his health, but decided to keep quiet.

Nabiki crossed her arms and shook her head in disgust. "Daddy, just where did you find these people? And who's going to pay to replace my things?"

Speaking while crying was a talent mastered by few, but Soun was a Grandmaster. "There was a paranormal convention in town. I took it as a sign."

"You mean, our going out of business sign? Daddy, I could have done this with a few liters of gasoline and a match for a lot cheaper." Nabiki turned to stare at their wrecked home. "Where are we going to be sleeping now?"

Kasumi picked up the dojo sign from the remains of the dojo. She dusted it and placed it lovingly on top of the pile of ruined wood. "That's better."

Nodoka smiled. "I know, you can stay at my home. It's a bit small, but I think we can manage."

Guido held his bible aloft. "I've got a wedding to perform." Or I won't get paid, he silently added. "Now, if you don't mind, where are Ranma Saotome and Akane Tendo?"

Soun changed from the sobbing man to the proud father of the bride. "She's here, the blushing bride."

Akane's face was red, but it wasn't because she was blushing. "Daddy!"

"Now, is Ranma the bride's name or the groom?"

Nabiki uttered sarcastically, "It depends on the time of day."

Nodoka turned her head in every direction, hoping to finally see her son. "Ranma, is he here?"

"Yeah, I'm here. Who wants to know?" Ranko jumped over the crumpled remains of the compound's walls. Her kimono was dirty and torn and covered with pieces of twigs and leaves.

Seeing the red-head, Reverend Sarducci asked Soun. "Okay, so the bride is here. Where's Mr. Akane Tendo?"

Akane turned a bright blue. "That's Miss Akane Tendo, you idiot!"

Guido blinked. Looked at Ranko, then looked at Akane, then back to Ranko. "Okay, I didn't know that this was a lesbian wedding. I'll change the pronouns in the vows for you. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here..."

Nodoka craned her neck to see the man she had been hoping to see for over a decade. "Where's my son? Ranko, have you seen him?"

"No, Auntie. I haven't." She hated lying to her mother. Upon hearing the opening verse from the minister, Ranko froze in shock. "Oh, no you don't! Pops! Where are you?"

"Pops?" Wondered Nodoka.

Akane shouted. "I'm not marrying that pervert!"

"Yeah, who'd want to marry a sexless macho tomboy like you!"

Nodoka placed her hand to her lips. "Ranko! How can you say that to your cousin?" She looked at Akane in anger. "How dare you speak about my son that way."

Akane instantly calmed down. "I'm sorry, Auntie. It's just that he makes me so mad."

Nodoka gave a look of Mother Knows Best. "Boys will be boys, they do have to do manly things."

Ranko sighed and kept her thoughts to herself. Yeah, Mom, men have to peek at women in the bathroom though peepholes. You really have a strange way of measuring a man. "Yeah, Auntie, boys will be boys."

"Ahem." Coughed Dr. Peter Venkman. He was holding a ghost trap that was reeking a foul smelling white smoke. "I hate to interrupt you fine people, but we're still on the clock. We need you to settle the bill."

Soun grew angry and created a image of his head that was four meters high and had a flaming tongue. "You don't expect me to pay for what you've done to my home!"

"Okay! Okay!" Peter reeled back in fear. "I'll just let him go and we'll be on our way."

Soun dropped the demon head and pulled out his checkbook. "How much did you say it was to take him off my property, for good?" He asked the last part with a bit more emphasis.

Egon pulled out a calculator, crunched some numbers and handed Soun the bill.

He took the paper and his eyes bugged out. He wrote down the amount and handed the men a check, all the while, holding back tears. "It was for a good cause."

Nabiki peeked over her father's shoulder and read the amount of the bill. She too, bugged her eyes out. "My college tuition!" It was her turn to fall backwards into an unconcious heap.

"Well, we'll be on our way." The men gave each other high fives and walked off the property.

Winston raised his hands in the air. "I love this job."

The men opened the gate and walked toward their car. Only the archway and the gate under it remained standing. Once Peter slammed the door shut, it also fell into a pile of brick powder and sawdust.

Standing in front of a collapsed archway, Guido read some more from the bible, with a few pronoun alterations. "Now, do you, Ranma Saotome, take Akane Tendo to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

Ukyou Kuonji woke up in a flash. There was a wedding in progress and Ranma Honey's name was mentioned. The chef ran over to the minister as he was standing there waiting for an answer.

Ukyou took the man aside, "There's been a change in plans, the name's Kuonji, Ukyou Kuonji."

The Reverend shrugged, as long as someone got married, he got paid. "I'll have to charge you extra."

Ukyou shoved a wad of bills into the Reverend's pocket. Guido smiled and asked the chef. "Now, which one are you getting married to?"

"Ranma Saotome," she answered softly.

The Reverend spoke the line again, "Now, do you, Ranma Saotome, take Ukyou Kuonji to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

Ukyou had waited years to hear that line uttered, now how to get Ran-chan to say yes? She hadn't thought of that.

Akane wasn't paying attention to the minister. "At least they can't arrest you for Happosai's death. He sure looked alive to me."

"Yeah," Ranko nodded. "I'm glad that problem's gone."

Guido was watching the red-head and heard her say, 'Yeah' and nod her head. "Okay then. Do you, Ukyou Kuonji, take Ranma Saotome to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

Wife? Who cares. "I do!" she shouted out in glee.

"I now pronounce you, Husband and Wife? Is that right? Or should I say, Wife and Wife?"

"It doesn't matter!" Ukyou grabbed Ranko in a fierce hug. "You're coming home with me!"

Akane coughed. "What?"

Soun glared at the minister. "What's going on? Oh, did you marry my daughter?"

"Yes, I did." He wrote something on a piece of paper. "And here's the document to prove it."

Ukyou, realizing that her plans could go up in smoke, she had to think fast. "I'll get rid of that for you. You didn't really want to marry Akane, right?"

Ranko stared daggers at Akane. "You're right about that."

Akane turned her back on Ranko. "I couldn't agree more."

"Wait!" Soun cried out, but it was too late, Ukyou grabbed the marriage certificate and the Reverend, and she leapt high into the night sky. "I'll come back for you Ran-chan!"

"What was that all about?" Asked a puzzled Ranko.

"Whatever." Akane huffed as she stormed off.

Soun went back into weeping man mode again. "The houses will never be joined!"

Nabiki sat up. "There's not much left to join, unless you've got a construction crew."

Nodoka took Akane by the shoulder. "I'm sorry that Ranma couldn't make it to the wedding, perhaps he was delayed. Maybe he'll be here tomorrow and you can wed then."

Akane shot a glance at Ranko. She returned the favor by sticking out her tongue.

Yeah, maybe I'll see you tomorrow, Mom, as the real me. Reflected a sullen Ranko.

"Let's go to my home, and get a good night's sleep, shall we?" Beamed a happy Nodoka. She kept up a brave face at all the devestation around them. She had no idea what Soun was going to do about his ruined home, but perhaps her husband may be able to help. She reached into her purse and took out an old piece of paper. On it, she wrote a note in lovely handwriting, "Dear Ranma, please come to my home. I miss you. Your Mother." Below, she wrote down her phone number and address and stuck the note on a freestanding support beam. "I hope he comes."

Together, the Saotome and Tendo families, walked across town to Mrs. Saotome's home.

A few minutes after they left, a panda bear emerged from the koi pond. He growled in a daze and wondered where everyone went. He saw the note and pulled out a sign that read, "She left without me?"

"Excuse me?" Came a voice from behind the panda. "Can you tell me where the Tendo dojo is. I could have sworn it was here." A boy wearing a yellow bandana and a large red umbrella stood there in confusion.

The panda sighed.

Author's Notes: Please review my story. It makes me feel oh so happy and won't invite the Ghostbusters to your next party.

Last edited on Sunday, July 1, 2007

Previous chapter | Home | Next chapter