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Happosai's life of DOOM: Chapter 3, A Warm Place.
by
Rebecca Ann Heineman
Ranma 1/2 and the characters therein are the property of Rumiko Takahashi. Oh! My Goddess characters were created by Fujishima Kosuke.
I don't own these characters. Please don't sue me, kill me or make me listen to an entire CD of white noise.
Happosai lay face down in a strange place. His arms lay forward as if his hands were holding onto something, like perhaps a pillow made of panties? He slowly regained consciousness and sat up, shaking his head to quicken his trip to alertness. He examined his hands, finding that his imagined panty pillow wasn't within his grasp. He softly cried at the tragic loss. He paused for a minute and gave a moment of silence to wallow in sorrow, mourning for his missing silky darlings. Once his tears were spent, he spied the ground, noticing that it was vastly different than the pavement he had remembered a moment ago.
All around him was white. Everything was white. Up was white. Down was white. In all directions, the color that greeted him was white. Even the sunless sky was pure white. Carefully, he examined his clothes and found that at least his thief's uniform was still jet black and hadn't been dipped in bleach.
The white ground he was standing on was smooth like linoleum with a cloudy mist gently covering it. It was as if he was in a featureless room that went on for kilometers with no horizon to be seen in any direction. He definitely wasn't in Tokyo anymore and there wasn't any female underwear in sight. He feared this place could be his personal hell.
The evil man sniffed the air to try to ascertain just where he was. The still air had no odor at all and there was no hint of a wind. He closed his eyes, held his breath and listened intently for any sound. It was deathly quiet; even the sound of his own heartbeat was missing. In a panic, he felt his chest only to find that the reason for the absolute silence was that his heart wasn't beating at all. Before he could ponder the relevance of this odd fact, he felt a nearby presence and slowly opened his eyes to see his companion of three hundred years.
Death stood silently a few meters ahead, grinning his calcium rich teeth at Happosai.
The memories of the last few minutes came rushing back and Happosai knew exactly where he was. Yet, the little man remained defiant and unrepentant. His thoughts remained on the black laundry bag and the bras that appeared at just the right moment to lure him to his doom. He knew now who was behind it and he was facing him right now. "So, you had to cheat to get me, eh?"
Death chuckled at another job well done. "When you've been on the job as long as I have, you'll find out I'm full of surprises. Besides, you did have a chance to save yourself, but I knew better."
Raising an eyebrow in surprise, the little gnome nodded in understanding. "Ooohhh... That's fighting dirty."
Death crossed his bony arms, resting his scythe over his shoulder and spoke with a tone of annoyance. "Consider it payback. Who was it that threw a steak at me when you were being chased by wolves? It took me an hour to retrieve all of my bones."
Happosai tried to remember that event and had a dim recollection of it. The wolves were hungry for some Happi Burgers and they were trying to take away his rightfully stolen meal. "Hmmm... Oh, yeah, it got those wolves off my back and it only cost me half my dinner. Thanks."
The grim reaper tapped a finger on the handle of his weapon. "And who was it that said 'look behind you' when you dove into a sewer pipe the instant the Americans bombed Nagasaki?"
He didn't really remember the exact events of that day, so he bluffed. "Uh, huh."
"Although for a few days I did have a tan," Death admitted.
The old fossil got happy that something good had come out of that event, even though he still couldn't recall just what happened. In grand tradition, he played along. "See, I did you a favor!" He silently hoped for a favor in return, like possibly the directions to where the pretty ladies hung out. "How about we call it even and you put me back in my body?"
"However, who was it that covered me with women's underwear when I was visiting the hospital? You and that little chi-draining girl were enough to ward off the nurses chasing you without involving me. After they touched me, they all fell dead. I had to spend the rest of the day putting the souls back into those women's bodies."
Happosai blinked in puzzlement, but it did trigger happy memories. He got away with a lot of silky panties that day, thanks to Miss Hinako, but he didn't remember Death being present. But then again, he was over three hundred years old and little facts like who was his fall guy of the day weren't important enough to care about. He asked quizzically, wondering if his recently earned favor was now null and void. "You were there?"
"Yes, and many other times as well. Now, I've had enough playing around with you." Death slammed down the wooden handle of his scythe to the ground, making an impact noise that lacked an echo but got Happosai's complete attention. He pointed the blade in a seemingly random direction. "Your judgment lies that way." He turned to the little dwarf, looking at him with empty eye sockets. "I've done my job. If you choose to travel elsewhere, be warned. Purgatory goes on forever and you could get lost here for all time." He softly added, "I know many who would be pleased if that happened to you."
The evil one looked in the indicated direction with great suspicion. That way looked no different than any other direction he could see. "You're not lying are you? You wouldn't lie to an old friend, now would you?"
Death pointed his bony finger accusingly at the old dead man. "It's been real. It's been fun. But our time together has come to an end. Good bye, Happosai and have a nice day." He swished his cloak and faded away.
"Hey! Come back!" Happosai jumped at the translucent image only to find that it had no substance. He hit the ground with a thud. He got up and turned to face the direction he was told to go. He raised his fist in the air and proclaimed to the wispy clouds around him. "I'll beat this and I'll punish you, Ranma and anyone else who gets in my way."
He began a jog toward judgment, destiny, and something less white.
Ranma felt strangely cold and he was laying down on a firm cloth surface. He couldn't open his eyes for some reason so he took stock of his situation with other senses. He knew his shirt was off by the temperature of the air, but it was the feeling of someone gently touching his back that sent a chill down his spine. Instinctively, he tried to jump up and run away from the fiancee that had somehow gotten him into a compromising position, but he instantly found that he had no strength to break free and braced himself for his imminent pummeling by all the other women who considered him their future spouse.
None came, much to his surprise, so he awoke, finding himself on a stretcher on the sidewalk with no memory of how he had gotten there. He weakly looked toward his back to find a medic, male thankfully (since he didn't want a beating from a random fiancee for yet another misunderstanding), applying burn salve to his shoulder blades. The swelling from some first and second degree burns he had somehow acquired was going down and the medicine was working its magic on him. He asked as best as he could speak from his awkward position. "Uh, how did I get here?"
The medic put the tube of salve back into his first aid kit. He placed a blanket over the boy's lower back and legs, taking care not to make contact with his upper back. "You were in shock from some burns you suffered and collapsed. You've been out cold for over half an hour. What's the last thing you remember, son?"
Groggy from regaining consciousness and his appointment with a gasoline fueled fireball, he tried to put the last few moments of his life back together again. He cocked his head to the side so his mouth wasn't contacting the canvas anymore and spoke clearly. "What was I... Ah, I was helping this lady get out of her car, then there was these explosions." He looked around the area to get his bearings. He saw dozens of people milling about, rubbernecking at remains of the traffic accident. A group of firemen were stowing their hoses back on their fire truck since they were done watering down the burnt out Toyota a short distance away.
A man in a suit and tie approached the medic and spoke to him for a moment. After he finished his conversation, he kneeled next to the resting martial artist. "I'm detective Miyashi of the Tokyo Police department, Nerima ward. I've got a few questions to ask you." He flashed his identity card / police badge.
"Sure." Ranma closed his eyes thinking about why he was lying on a stretcher. He couldn't remember being injured when the car went up in smoke, but then he was busy trying to save the woman's life. Maybe the old freak had injured him without knowing it with some new never-before-seen technique. Ranma couldn't reconcile how that could be true since Happosai was pretty toasted from the fire and had passed out from pantyhose overload.
The detective got out a pad and pencil to take notes. "Do you know the name of the other gentleman?"
Mental capacity being in full operation, he replied the best he could. "Huh?"
"I've got witnesses that say that you were involved with the deceased before the accident." He scribbled something into his notepad and continued. "Why were you on the roof of that building over there?" He pointed his pencil to a building across the street.
"The roof? Oh, I was chasing that old coot." Ranma lay on his side on the stretcher to get a little more comfortable.
He wrote something down and looked at Ranma with a hint of a smile. "Why were you chasing him?"
He didn't know? Everyone chased Happosai. Ranma couldn't believe what he was hearing; there was actually someone in the Nerima ward of Tokyo that didn't know about Happosai's little 'hobby' and the fact that he was universally hated by all? It was time to get this man up on current events; let's start with the basic facts. "He stole the girl's underwear at school."
Miyashi nodded. He had been warned about a certain career criminal in this part of town. "Pushing him off of a building is a bit extreme for petty larceny. What did you have against this person?"
Ranma got flustered that anyone would think the old man didn't deserve to be shoved off of tall tower. He raised his voice in anger, both from the detective's lack of a clue and that the little troll had escaped him. Being on a stretcher for half an hour meant that the creep had already raided at least three more locations and relieved them of their valuables. Ranma had to put a stop to this and the officer was wasting his time. He blurted out, "It's Happosai! The guy's a rotten pervert. Ask anyone, they'll tell you."
"I intend to." He wrote down the name Ranma mentioned, then checked a previous note on his pad. "Now, I have here that you pushed him off the roof before the accident. True?"
Now we're getting somewhere, Ranma thought. This guy would probably freak out once he found the phone book sized file on the evil creature back at police headquarters. Well, Ranma assumed the file would be that big, but it was the officer's own fault for not knowing about the most famous criminal in all of Nerima, possibly even Japan. Ranma didn't think it would hurt to answer the officer's questions, since it was just another day in Nerima for the pig-tailed boy. His father usually had him avoid talking to the cops, but this time pops wasn't in trouble, yet. "Yeah, I pushed him off. He wouldn't give up the bag without a fight."
Raising an eyebrow in surprise, he had a possible motive and now he tried to narrow down the method of the crime. He asked a baited question. "You pushed him four floors down, onto a busy highway?"
"It never mattered before." Ranma shrugged. "The guy's indestructible."
Miyashi paused at the admission of guilt. This was going to be an easy case. He liked easy cases. They were so rare in the police business. "So you admit that you pushed the old man onto a busy highway?"
The detective waved to some officers standing nearby to come closer. "Mr. Saotome, why did you kill... What was the name you said? Happosai?"
Now it was Ranma's turn to be surprised. "Kill? What do you mean kill?"
I've got a live one, the detective thought. They always try to pretend they didn't know anything once they realize that they would have to pay for their crimes. He spoke in a professional unemotional tone to his prime suspect. "You heard me. At approximately 10:15 AM today, you pushed Happosai onto a busy highway that resulted in two wrecked vehicles and that gentleman's death. May I remind you that your confession is admissable as evidence and will be used as such."
"He's dead?" Ranma's world crumbled around him. Things like this never happened. Yes, they fought with blows that could kill an untrained person, but all of Ranma's opponents weren't untrained. Never once had he even really put anyone's life in danger and now, someone was dead and possibly by his own hands? He had never had to deal with death before. He hated the old man, but never actually wanted him dead. He tried to rationalize what he had been told and it locked up his brain.
"Very much so, why did you kill him?" The detective's face went serious and grim. He had his man. He was going to get to go home early today with another criminal safely behind bars.
Ranma stuttered as the seriousness of the situation came to light. "H-h-he can't be dead! That's impossible, he's taken worse blows than this. He was fine just a while ago. He's hiding under those boxes." He pointed over to a smoldering pile of debris. "Well, maybe he's not under there right now, but he's certainly not dead."
He's taken worse than this? Not likely, thought the officer. Fine? Define fine. The man was in a body bag roasted like a suckling pig. This boy certainly shouldn't believe that anyone in that old man's condition was 'fine'. This was going from and easy case to moderate one. It looked like he'll be going home at normal quitting time after filing the proper paperwork. He confronted the boy with reality, taking his statement apart with professional ease. "I find that difficult to believe. He was run over by a eighteen wheel tractor trailer and then immolated when the gas tank exploded on the car you blew up."
"W-wait just a minute here!" Ranma exclaimed, finally understanding what the detective was insinuating. "I didn't blow up that car. That lady smashed into that truck and all I did was get her out."
"That's your story. Now tell me the truth and it'll be easier on all of us." He flipped his book to another page. "A witness does substantiate your claim to rescuing the driver of the second vehicle, but he also stated that you refused to assist the deceased when he needed aid. That doesn't sound like the act of a hero, now does it?"
"Wait just a second! That freak didn't need any help. If anything, it was just another one of his tricks."
They always made it difficult. In a dull monotone, the officer laid out the rock solid case he had against him and there was no denying the truth. "That's not what the facts dictate son. Now, just tell me why you killed him and we can get this over with quickly. It seems that you've got a long record of vandalism and delinquency. You're also listed as an accomplice to the victim's little nightly forays. So what happened? Did he cut you out of your share of the loot?"
"My share!?!?" Ranma screamed as he bolted upright, flinging the blanket covering him off to the side. He stood shirtless to the delight of random female pedestrians. "I'll tell ya that I ain't got nothin' to do with that filthy pervert's little thievery! If anything, you should be arresting him!"
Closing his pad, the detective stood up to face Ranma. "I can't arrest a dead man. I've got witnesses, motive and opportunity for a charge of premeditated murder in the first degree. You'd better get yourself a lawyer if you want to play the innocent hero. You're coming with me." He turned to the nearest officer. "Take him into custody."
"Wait! It's not what it looks like!" He struggled as an officer placed the young man's hands behind his back and handcuffed him. Ranma stopped struggling once the cuffs clicked into place. "I'm innocent! I didn't do nothin'!"
"That's what they all say." He nodded to the officer who grabbed Ranma from behind to escort him to a waiting police car.
The news had spread rapidly among the students of Furinkan that Happosai was dead and all of the females came running to see if that blessed event was true. Miss Hinako had already declared it a day off and dismissed her class so she too could join in seeing for herself that the greatest evil in all Japan was no more. She led the class down the street only to stop at a candy store, an ice cream shop and now she was sitting in a movie theatre watching a kid's film. The rest of the class left her when she stopped at the candy store and they formed a group that had gathered around the accident site. Yellow police tape marked a perimeter to keep the onlookers at bay.
Akane watched Ranma from behind the police barricade, flabbergasted that he was being arrested for ridding the world of the greatest menace to society. Ukyou Kuonji, student by day, okonomiyaki chef by night, stood by the Tendo, waving at her fiancee to attract his attention. The chef's eyes were filled with tears as she saw her friend being humiliatingly led away. Akane glowed a bright blue at the officer who blocked her attempt to jump the yellow police tape.
Ukyou screamed out as the police led Ranma to a car and opened the rear door for him. "Ran-chan! What are they doing to you?"
Akane grabbed the officer's shoulders, leapfrogged over him and ran to her betrothed. "Ranma!" She dodged another officer to get to her husband to be and glomped him in worry. "Just what in the world did Happosai do to you this time?" Thoughts of the moxibustion technique that Happosai had inflicted once on Ranma flooded her mind. She feared that the wicked man had done something just as sinister and Ranma was being treated for its effects. Even though she outwardly demonstrated that she didn't want to have anything to do with the young martial artist, she did care about his well-being. Sometimes.
Ranma gasped in pain from the minor burns on his back where Akane's hands were touching. He weakly tried to escape her iron grip. "ARGH! Knock it off before you kill me!"
"Miss." Miyashi gripped the young Tendo by the arm to pry her away. "We're placing him under arrest. He'll be taken downtown. You can see him during visiting hours."
She tightened her hold on her fiance, worry evident on her face for the imagined torment that Ranma was going through. His lack of ability to ward her off and the burns on his back gave her more reason to believe that his strength had been sapped again. She held him possessively and glared icy daggers at the detective. "You're not taking him anywhere."
Behind the trio, an officer shouted out commands to an enraged woman with an unusual cooking implement. "Miss, put that... Uh... Whatever that is down!"
Ukyou repeated her demand. "Where are you taking my Ran-chan?" She was fit to be tied and someone forgot the rope. Her best friend was being falsely accused and she wasn't going to take it lying down. She held her giant baker's peel like a sword ready to deal out swift justice to anyone who dared to keep her away from Ranma. "There's no way he's guilty of anything!"
Ranma slid down, writhing in pain being inflicted from Akane's grip. The salve acted like a lubricant, preventing Akane from keeping him from his appointment with the stretcher. The medic dived in and caught him by the shoulders before he oozed onto the pavement. Akane lunged forward to grab her fiance again when Miyashi pulled her back by tightening his grip on her arm where he had held her. She retaliated by taking a swing at the detective with her free hand.
Miyashi jumped back to avoid a fist to the nose. "Who are you and what's your relationship to this man?"
"I'm Akane Tendo, Ranma's FIANCE!" Akane screamed just as five officers tackled her to defend the detective. With Akane acting violent, ample amounts of violence were applied in return. She struggled for a moment before the weight of five men built like football players stopped her from moving.
Seeing that Akane was subdued and the immediate danger had passed, Miyashi brushed off his dress shirt and cautiously approached the young pissed off high school girl. "Okay, I'll let this transgression slide because he's your fiance, if that's the truth. But you'd better calm down or I'll have you arrested as well." He turned to the chestnut haired woman wearing a boy's high school uniform who held four officers at bay with an odd steel weapon. He asked her in a professional tone of voice, ready to jump away if she too got violent. "And who are you?"
Ukyou screamed back while swiping the air with her giant spatula for effect. "I'm Ukyou Kuonji, his cute FIANCE!"
Miyashi blinked in surprise. This was an unexpected development. "Two fiances? Oh, we've got a player here." Shaking his head in disbelief, he opened his notepad to document this new complication to the case. "This is going to be a long day."
No sooner had he finished writing down the facts into his notes, a bicycle flew from nowhere to land next to the medic holding Ranma. Shampoo waved at her husband by Amazon law with a cheerful look across her face. Upon seeing Akane being held down, her smile grew wider. She batted her eyes at Ranma and spoke in a sweet child like voice. "Nihao, Airen! You take Shampoo on date?"
Miyashi stared wide eyed at the purple haired Chinese woman. "And who are you?"
The new girl proudly exclaimed, "Ranma is Shampoo's husband!" She looked in all directions to see if the joyous news of Happosai's demise was true. If so, it would make Ranma a saint among the Amazon tribe and strengthen his place among them; once Shampoo convinced Ranma to do the right thing and go back to China by her side.
"This is going to be a REALLY long day." He scribbled more facts into his notepad as beads of sweat formed on his brow. This case was getting weirder by the second.
Black flower petals filled the air and a girl clad in a green gymnastic leotard with a rose motif appeared on top of the trailer of the ruined truck. She twirled a red rhythmic gymnastic ribbon and pointed the staff at Ranma. "Officers, what are you doing with that man?"
The detective was now deathly afraid to ask, but his duty required it. At first his voice was weak but then he raised it so the gymnast could hear him clearly. "And... Who might you be?"
"I'm his lover! Kodachi Kuno," She bowed. "At your service."
His head was spinning. Things like this didn't happen in Yokohama. Maybe moving to Tokyo wasn't such a good idea after all. "This is going to be a REALLY REALLY long day."
Ukyou jumped away from the officers who prevented her from getting close to Ranma and she landed on the truck to confront the crazed gymnast, weapon held ready. She issued her challenge to the lunatic girl. "Back off Sugar, Ran-chan's mine!"
Kodachi Kuno, the Black Rose as she was known, cackled an insane laugh, "I came as soon as I heard the news." She faced the officer. "I'm here to post bond for my Ranma darling!"
The detective whispered. "Is she for real?"
Shampoo landed on the other side of Kodachi. The Amazon was trying to translate an unfamiliar word from Japanese to Chinese in little success. "Bond? What that? Some secret agent?"
"Why, my uneducated adversary, it means that my darling will be in my care until the trial. My family attorney will see to it that he stays comfortably in my estate until we can straighten out this misunderstanding. After all, we'll prove together this was justifiable homicide. Happosai deserved swift execution for his crimes against humanity."
No matter what they felt about Kodachi, all girls within earshot agreed completely with her last statement.
Akane muttered from under the five cops holding her down. "I'm glad that pervert's gone. Now, could you please let me go?"
Ukyou nodded. "If anyone had to go, it was him."
Shampoo nodded in agreement. "Shampoo and great grandmother happy to hear pervert go very bad place."
Kodachi approached the lip of the trailer and regally announced her intentions to the police below. "I will take my darling into the protection of house Kuno. I'll personally see that he behaves until justice prevails. Then, we shall be wed." She let out a demonic laugh.
Rubbing his head as his migraine grew in intensity, Miyashi looked up at the very strange gymnast. "He's not going anywhere but downtown with me. I'm..." A paper was shoved into his face, testing his will to keep sane. "What now?"
A very short Chinese woman with long white hair in a black business suit, tie, black loafers, dark sunglasses and holding a lawyer's briefcase bowed with respect and introduced herself. "I'm Mr. Saotome's professional attache, Cologne, from the embassy of the People's Republic of China. This is a letter allowing me to take him into my custody."
"Say WHAT!?!?" Miyashi looked at the paper he was handed, frustration and confusion evident on his face. He scanned the heading, trembling at the words imprinted on it. "D-d-diplomatic immunity!?!? Just what the hell is going on here?" This case had now reached, the Twilight Zone.
"Mr. Saotome is an ambassador of the Chinese Amazon tribe. He is the husband of the great granddaughter of the ruling matriarch and as such, he has the full protection of the Geneva convention as a full ambassador of the nation of China." She lowered her sunglasses and leered at the detective. "You can't even give him a ticket for jaywalking."
He read the document again. It had the seal of the Chinese embassy and looked real. He waved to his assistant, thinking that now would be a good time to use his accrued vacation and go somewhere far, far away. "Narita! Call this in and check it out." Officer Narita took the paper, eyed the woman with suspicion, then went to use the radio in his squad car.
Akane grunted from under the weight of her captors. "Honestly, you can let me go now."
Shampoo laughed for an instant. "Pervert girl stay down. Akane learn place in world."
"Why, you!" Akane squirmed to try to get out from under the men to pummel the Amazon. The men used all their might to keep her still and were amazed at just how strong the girl actually was.
Ukyou eyed the two other girls on the trailer with her, stowed her weapon behind her back and jumped off to the ground below. She held her hands up for the officers' benefit. "I'll behave." The officers stood back in complete confusion as she went over to her childhood friend. "Oh, Ran-chan, I'll get you through this."
Ranma groaned from his place on the stretcher where the medic had placed him. "Why me? Who did I piss off in my past life to deserve this?"
Calling out from the top of the truck and continuing when she landed beside Ukyou, Shampoo huffed. "Shampoo take Airen home! Husband go home to China."
Reaching behind to grip her spatula and taking a fighting stance, Ukyou stared lightning bolts at the Chinese bimbo. "He's coming with me, Sugar! He's not going China or anywhere else but to my place."
"Ho, ho, ho, he's coming with me!" Kodachi somersaulted, making a perfect ten point landing next the other two girls.
From under the cops, Akane's voice moaned out, "Fine, whatever."
Ranma turned around to lay on his back mouthing soundlessly the words he didn't want any of the fiance brigade to hear. "Will all of you just shut up and leave me alone. I don't need any of you." Sadly, Ranma wasn't in complete control of his vocal cords and as usual, the words slipped out for all to hear.
Ukyou, Shampoo and Kodachi stopped arguing with each other and they screamed in unison. "WHAT!?!?"
Akane jumped out in fury, cops flying everywhere, mallet ready. "Where do you get off telling me to shut up! Why you!" She lunged at him smashing the now empty stretcher with her mallet as Ranma dodged with his hands cuffed behind his back.
Ranma danced around, dodging mallet strikes. "Knock it off you stupid tomboy! Geez, you can be so uncute."
Akane snarled, face flushed with red. "Uncute am I? I'll show you uncute!" She took another swing with her mallet, causing the pig tailed boy to spin around and he ran down the street with Akane nipping his heels. Shampoo with bonbori, Ukyou with a battle spatula and Kodachi with a gymnast ribbon took the roofs in pursuit. Seven police officers followed the horde for a moment but were no match for the group's speed or ability to run on the rooftops and gave up the chase after half a block.
Miyashi threw his pad to the ground, angry that his suspect was getting away. "Dammit! I want an all points bulletin on that kid."
"It doesn't matter." Officer Narita called out from the police car. "The diplomatic immunity paperwork is legit. If you want the kid, we've got to file a request with the Chinese embassy." He tossed the corded police microphone onto the driver's seat in dismay. "We can't touch him."
Smirking, the Amazon elder in the business suit made a bow. "I'll see to it that my son-in-law will behave himself until this is all straightened out. Now, where is Happosai's body?"
"Why? Does he have immunity too?" Miyashi asked incredulously.
"No, thank the ancestors." Answered Cologne with a sigh of relief.
"Then, do you know this person?"
Cologne went from a playful smirk to a frigid frown in record time. "Unfortunately, yes. I need to see the body."
Seeing that his hands were tied and for all he knew, this was an official request from China, he pointed toward a coroner's vehicle nearby. "He's this way." He escorted her to a body bag near the burnt-out Toyota. There, on the pavement, was a child sized black vinyl bag with a zipper keeping it closed. All around it were charred remains of feminine undergarments. "Here he is, but I doubt you can identify him. He was pretty burned up from the fire. We've already requested dental records to get a positive ID."
Brushing away the collected ashes from the bag, she spoke to the detective without taking her gaze away from the task in front of her. "There's no need for that. I have my own ways."
She pulled out a small gem from the jacket pocket of her business suit. She held the precious stone over the black body bag and saw no change in the gem's luster. She slowly unzipped the bag as if she was afraid a youma would emerge and eat their souls. Once the zipper had moved enough to expose the charcoal briquette that once was Happosai, she touched the remains with the gemstone. The magical sapphire didn't change in any way. Cologne took a hard look at the body, seeing only a passing resemblance to the man she once cared for, hundreds of years ago. A few moments of silent contemplation passed as she touched the body with the gem at numerous points. Nodding in approval, she zipped up the body bag and slid the gem back into her pocket.
She sat silent next to the bag in deep thought. A few minutes passed with Miyashi wondering if the old woman was either in mourning or had fallen asleep where she sat. Suddenly, the old woman joyfully jumped up and down in ecstasy. "Yes! Ding dong, the witch is dead! Yeehaw!" She danced, twirled and strutted on the asphalt with a huge happy smile on her face. "Oh, happy day! We'll sing about this day for generations to come!" She jumped up to Miyashi and kissed him on the lips, shocking him to the core.
"Joy to the world! Today is a day for celebration!" She bounced off over the rooftops with as much glee and energy as Tigger. "Mark your calendar, today's Ranma day! Yippee!"
Papers and loose trash fluttered to the ground around the detective and his officers as they stood like statues from witnessing whatever the heck they just saw. The men held their rapt attention for a minute before Narita spoke up. "How do we file this?"
Miyashi dropped his pad from his lifeless fingers. It was the only motion any of the dumbfounded policemen could muster at this moment. He softly answered, still in a daze. "I'm wondering if we should file this at all."
Saint Peter stood at the pearly gates of heaven behind a podium topped with a well used thick book. The landscape around him was completely white with a cloudy mist filling the air obscuring everything in the distance. Behind him, were two beautiful gates made of gold, pearl and ivory preventing unauthorized entry to the realm of heaven, or Asgard as some of its residents called it. He made a notation in the book of judgment and asked a question to the soul at the head of a line that went on for kilometers. It was a query he had asked millions of times before. "Name?"
An African-American girl in a white angelic robe approached the podium, ready to face judgment. She answered with just a hint of fear and hope. "Amanda Petersen."
The Saint turned the page in the book to find her name on the invitation list for heaven. "Ah, yes, Amanda..." His oration was interrupted by a female scream coming from the back of the line and it got louder as other women joined in the chorus.
"Sweeto!" Happosai glomped a girl in line causing her to shiver in panic. Other souls awaiting judgment reeled back in horror as the creep bounded from female to female.
A woman fell to her knees in prayer. "Please forgive me! I repent! I didn't mean to feed the animals!"
"Hotcha!" Happosai leapt onto the woman's back, wrapping his arms around her and squeezed her breasts hard.
"I'm in hell! I'm burning in hell!" The woman collapsed in terror.
Screaming in glee, the freak held on tight to the limp body on the ghostlike ground. "Heaven! I made it to heaven! I always knew I would! Bring on the ladies. Woo hoo!" Happosai released his latest victim to select the next object of his affections.
Saint Peter took a good look at the twisted little man who was disturbing the tranquility of the procession of souls. Shuddering in recognition, the Saint gasped. "Oh, no! And Death told me that he wouldn't be coming for..."
He waved his arm and magically, a golden rope appeared just above his right shoulder. He closed the book of names, knowing that Happosai wasn't listed anywhere in it. He passed judgment on the evil thing, a decision that had been made hundreds of years ago. "You have been found wanting. I don't think anyone here would mind if you go first." He pulled the rope, satisfied that justice was served.
The fluffy white mist that covered the ground disappeared under Happosai as a square hole appeared, leading to blackness. A torrential wind tried to suck him down with the force of a hurricane, but the little man held onto his victim. The girl struck the pervert in the face and he lost his grip and slid toward the hole to nothing. "No!" He grasped the edge of the open hatch to avoid oblivion.
All of the other souls stood unaffected by the wind and watched in fascination as the little man held on despite a torrent they didn't know existed. A fat old Japanese woman stepped out of the line and took a good look at the old fossil, scowling at him. She pointed at him accusingly, and screamed in recognition. "I know you! You're the one who wouldn't steal my underwear!"
"Huh?" Cried out Happosai, struggling from experiencing infinity. "You're that ghost that wanted me to steal your ugly bloomers, aren't you?"
"Nice that you recognize me you old fool. It's because of you that I stayed on Earth for years with unfinished business." She stood above the man she too was passing final judgment on. "That nice boy, Ranma's his name wasn't it? He had to force you to steal my underwear to release me from my bondage on Earth."
Happosai's eyes bugged out, the thought of this woman in a bondage outfit almost causing him to slip away. "AHHHH!"
"Now..." A halo appeared above her head. "I can finally rest in peace." She smashed her slippered foot onto Happosai's shriveled hand.
"P-p-pretty ladieeeeeesssss..." Screamed the little troll as he fell into the endless void. Hundreds, then thousands, then millions of angels, cherubs and Saints applauded the old woman's great deed. She took a bow and sprouted wings. She flew through the open gates of heaven, trumpets blaring and angels singing, announcing her arrival to eternal bliss.
Happosai was drifting between the realms of reality. His twisted soul bent and folded as it moved silently through the void that existed between the Kami planes. He felt pulled by an unseen force in a certain direction.
Down.
It was down.
He was going down.
He wasn't surprised in the least.
Moments that seemed like years lazily passed him by, boring the ancient martial artist. "Hmm... Is this what the afterlife is like? Not much if you ask me."
A deep female voice answered him from behind. "I'm not asking you."
Happosai turned around to find that he wasn't in a void at all, but a colossal cave, brightly lit from hot lava that covered its floor. Thousands of sharp black pumice stones protruded from the magma that served as tiny islands in a sea of suffering. Screams of anguish filled the chamber from countless burning souls bathing in the red-hot liquid. One of the flaming souls swam over to the shore and grabbed a bar of Lava brand soap, smiled at Happosai, then swam under the magma. Happosai wasn't amused. This creature appeared to be male.
"Over here." Came a sultry voice from nearby.
Happosai clasped his hands together. "Hello, Nurse! Will you be washing my back for eternity?"
"You wish." The white haired, dark skinned female demoness hid a faint smile. "I've got a proposition for you."
"I'm listening." He was.
A thick folder appeared in her hands and she opened a bookmarked page. "I've been reviewing your file and found that I may have a position that you could fill for me."
Happosai drooled. "I've read the Kamasutra. I know all the positions." He barely kept from bursting out in a nosebleed with dark, evil, twisted, and perverted thoughts.
Hild used all of her strength to hold back her delight. Every lust or sex demon she had elevated to the level of Demon First class of Perverted Sex had either exploded a few days later on the job or died with a smile on their face. This little creep had enough self control and raw skills that he might actually last an entire week. The fact that he was still a virgin meant that his virility would be at its peak and allow him to perform his duties better than the last candidate. She had high hopes for this man. The last candidate died of anticipation.
She closed the file and held it over her groin. She looked him over one more time and decided that he was the right man for the job, as long as he could last at it that is. "Happosai, the job is a hard one, requiring stamina for you to keep it going all night long. You have to arouse feelings that inflate your dedication of performing at your best level. You can stiffen yourself to a rigid regimen to satisfy the duties inwardly and outwardly of your office. As long as you're up to it, the job is yours."
"And what job might this be?" The innuendo flew over his head like a jumbo jet flying over an ant.
Hmm... Thought the demon, they usually don't ask to read the fine print. "It's a special one, and I'll tell you this. If you refuse, you'll have to spend eternity here in torment."
Happosai took a moment to take in the sights around him. Lava falls flowed onto unlucky souls barbecuing them in their scalding heat, never-ending screams of agony were coming from every direction and half of the damned were female. In the pervert's mind, fifty percent meant it wasn't THAT bad. It was an empty threat in his mind.
Confidently crossing his arms, he asked again. "What's the job?"
Grinning, showing her fangs, she gave him just a hint. Enough to wet his appetite but not tell him everything. She got more signatures on the contact that way. "Demon, first class." She added in a slow sexy voice. "License, unlimited."
"Hmm... A demon, eh? What area of influence?"
Hild didn't want to tell him, but this dead mortal knew more than he should. He must have had a working knowledge about demons and how they were organized because of his question. She had to tread lightly since every other demon in the past would try to escape or refuse the post since they knew that it was a death sentence to accept the job. She contemplated other forms of hell that would force the evil creature before her to accept the position offered him. She held that thought if things went badly in the next few minutes. "The area of influence is Perverted Sex."
His eyes widened. "P-p-perverted sex." He went catatonic.
"Oh, drat." Hild was afraid that he was going to decline the post. She was about to create a reality that was populated by cross dressing men for Happosai to exist in for all time when the little gnome gave his enthusiastic answer.
"YES!" His hands flew under his chin, his eyes went googlely and he uncontrollably drooled. "YES! YES! YES!"
"Yes?" Hild was taken back in surprise.
"YES!" Happosai shouted again in total glee.
"Y-you accept?" Hild was cautiously optimistic.
"What part of the word 'yes' don't you understand!" Happosai bounced in euphoria. "Bring on the ladies!"
Blinking in shock. She held out a contract. "Sign here."
Happosai pulled out his name stamper, ready to sign on the dotted line.
Hild zapped him on the arm with a needle-thin beam of magic and he reeled back in surprise. "Why'd you do that for?"
She smiled. "You must sign in blood. It makes the contract more binding."
"You could have warned me." He dipped his stamper on the wound to cover it with blood. He then pressed it hard on the contract to mark it with his ideogram. The parchment vanished the moment the imprint was made.
Hild held out her hand. It became dark as it was enveloped in shadow and black mist. "Hold still. This won't hurt a bit."
Quaking in anticipation, Happosai summoned a soul of ice technique to stay still as he was instructed. The very idea of an unlimited supply of recently worn panties was almost too much to bear. He trembled in delight, knowing that he had reached the pinnacle of his existence. He was finally getting his just reward for a properly lived life.
Hild touched his forehead, searing demonic marks on his face with unholy fire. Happosai screamed in agony. "AAAAAHHHHH! Why does it hurt! You said it wouldn't hurt." He shuddered in intense pain. An instant later, his eyes rolled into the back of his head and he stood there, receiving his unholy gifts.
Hild shrugged. "It doesn't hurt me a bit." A few moments of intense pain and dark demonic shadows permeated the grand master of the 'Anything Goes School' before Hild released her touch. She stood back to admire her handiwork. He made a fine demon. Other than triangular marks on his cheeks and his forehead, he looked exactly the same as before. "Now, I'll send you back to Midgard and your first assignment. Welcome to the realm of Niflheim, Happosai, Demon First class of Perverted Sex!" She laughed, and laughed, and laughed...
Author's Notes: Please review my story. It makes me feel oh so happy and I won't make you Happosai's first assignment.
Last edited on Sunday, June 24, 2007