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Sailor Ranko: Just Add Water: Chapter 3, Cooking Lessons.
Rebecca Ann Heineman

Ranma 1/2 and the characters therein are the property of Rumiko Takahashi. Based on "Sailor Ranko" by Duncan Zillman and "Twice in a Millennium" by Kevin D. Hammel.

I don't own these characters. Please don't sue me, kill me or make me write fan fiction.

Ranma and Akane were up at the pre-dawn hour and spent the morning sparring on the roof of their apartment building. Both were really going at it by imagining the other was Tatewaki Kuno. After a good workout, it was time to eat breakfast.

Ranma finished up his shower and tried to sneak out. Akane smiled at Ranma, "Honey, breakfast is ready." She put out a bowl on the dinner table and stood by the chair in an expectant pose. Ranma gave a very quiet groan. The things he had to do to keep Akane happy. Why did it involve pain and suffering?

Ranma sat at the table and picked up the spoon in the bowl. He noticed the part of the spoon that was in the substance broke off. Ranma was amazed. He had never seen a glass bowl melt before. Akane served him something she passed off as breakfast and before he could take a bite of it, the material dissolved the bowl and started to eat away at the table. He looked up into the ceiling and silently rejoiced, "Thank you!"

Akane glanced at her husband, "What did you say?"

Ranma had more pressing problems. "Uh... What's going on?" The table was starting to smolder. Ranma pulled his chair back and Akane ran to the kitchen to get some wet paper towels. The two of them tag teamed to wipe away the substance and throw it into the garbage can. The table was saved but the bowl and the cooking pot on the stove were a total loss.

"I guess I'll have to get something on the way to school." He bolted out the door with the trashcan in his arms. It was starting to emit a cloud of smoke.

Akane got out a small paper fan and started to wave away the rancid odor. The smoke detector went off. "Not again!" She fanned the smoke away from the detector to get it to quiet down.

She wondered how in the world could her food do that to the dishes. She'll have to try harder next time.


A bored security guard in the lowest level of the apartment building saw a red light go off on his security panel. He noted that it was the Saotome apartment. He'll wait for ten minutes before calling the fire department. He didn't want yet another false alarm. He went back to his TV show.


Ranma was a man with a mission. He needed to save the lives of everyone in the apartment complex. He barely made it to the dumpster in time. He tossed the garbage can into the steel bin and it exploded inside. Ranma brushed himself off and shook his head. Last time, breakfast only froze into a block of ice. Before that, it glowed in an intense beam of light that lasted for five minutes and then it faded away to nothingness. Before that the trash can simply imploded. It was time to buy another weeks supply of trashcans. He missed Akane's cooking at the Tendo residence. There it just simply tasted bad. Kasumi must have been fixing Akane's cooking to minimize the damage to the kitchen.

Ranma walked alone to school. Akane was going to be busy telling the fire department that it was a false alarm. He felt a little lonely since it was very rare that he didn't have Akane beside him or right behind him. He had to talk to Makoto. Maybe she and Ami could work on giving a cure to Akane's ability to turn normal household items into weapons of mass destruction banned in most countries.

He thought of his mother. He smiled thinking about the times she spent with him. He decided to visit her tonight. It was his day off from work and it had been almost a week since he saw her last. He wanted to have his mother stay with them in Juuban, but the apartment was too small and his dad might tag along. Ranma was happy his dad wasn't around. He missed the sparring sessions but not much else about the panda. Purina Panda Chow was had to come by.

He was about a block away from the main entrance of Juuban High School when he stopped dead in his tracks. He felt a presence ahead. It was a dark presence. It was a very dark presence. It was a very familiar dark presence. It was coming this way.

"What a haul!" Screamed the little old freak with a small group of irate girls chasing him. Ranma groaned. He didn't want to deal with this right now.

Ranma jumped over the stone wall protecting the school. He heard Happosai and his admirers run by. He leaned his back against the wall and looked up into the sky. "Why is he here? What have you got against me?"

In response, a thunderclap sounded and a small cloudburst occurred. The storm lasted only five seconds. A soaked Ranko spit out the water from her mouth. She sighed. "Well how could it get worse?"

"Ranma! Nice to see you! And you changed just for me! I'm touched!" Happosai then went literal and started touching Ranko where females were not meant to be touched. Ranko held her book bag high and smashed the freak into the ground. She stomped on him several times to get the aggression out of her. A small bomb appeared right in front of Ranko. Ranko tried to bat it away but it exploded hurling her into the school retaining wall. She slid down to the ground.

Happosai healed instantly and hopped out of the hole that Ranko made just for him. "How dare you treat your master in such a rude manner!" He flared up his battle aura and prepared to dole out some punishment to Ranko. He charged.

Ranko leapt out of the way and Happosai bounced off the wall and landed on Ranko's back. He groped around and got a feel for Ranko's breasts. Ranko jumped with her back to the wall to crush the pervert. Happosai didn't let go, he was having too much fun fondling Ranko that he took the full force of the crushing blow and had the wind knocked out of him. Happosai was flat as a pancake and stuck to the wall.

Ranko pulled herself away from the wall and admired her handiwork. "That will teach you!" She turned to walk away when she saw a small crowd of girls looking at her. "What do you want?"

"I want my panties you stole!"

"I want my bra back!"

Ranko looked at the girls and told them, "Ask the old freak. I didn't do anything."
Naru looked at Ranko, "How could you!" She walked up to Ranko and pulled a bra off of her shirtsleeve. "You are in league with that foul creature!"

Ranko took notice and saw that somehow Happosai had draped several women's undergarments on her without her noticing. She spun around and marched over to the flapjack known as Happosai. Just before she was about to punch his lights out he inflated and tossed yet another firecracker at Ranko. She jumped out of the way and the firecracker landed near the girls. The girls scattered.

"Now you know why I am the master young pupil!" Happosai laughed his fool head off as he reached down, grabbed his loot bag, threw some more underwear on Ranko and ran away. "There is your share!" He made sure the girls heard that comment before he ran out of sight.

Ranko was red with fury. She was about to give chase when a girl with a rake tripped her. "You were helping him!" Ranko didn't want to hit these girls so she took the beating like a man.

She managed to squirm away with only minor fractures and bruises. Nothing that Ranko wasn't used to. She grabbed her book bag and leapt over the wall to safety.

Naru and the other girls collected the few articles of clothing Happosai left behind. Naru was impressed. The only person she knew other than the Scouts that could jump that high was Ranma. She remembered that Usagi mentioned that Ranma had a cousin named Ranko. She felt bad. She realized that they were tricked by the dirty old man.


"That little freak..." Ranko ran to an alley. She used her Senshi senses to check if the coast was clear. It wasn't.

"Hey Ranko! What are you doing here?" It was Makoto. She heard the commotion and came to offer some assistance.

"I'm going to punish someone! Stand back! Sun Star Power, Make up!" She transformed into Sailor Sun.

Makoto looked around, "Where is the youma? I don't feel any... Oh..." She felt the evil. The pure evil only found in one human being, if you could call it human. Makoto transformed into Sailor Jupiter.

Sailors Sun and Jupiter hopped onto the rooftops on the way to a certain perverted form of life. It must be punished.


"Are you sure master that the pig-tailed girl is at this high school?" Sasuke asked. He was tired pulling the rickshaw from Nerima to Juuban again.

Tatewaki proudly pronounced, "Yes, Nabiki is one thing above all else and that is honest. She has never failed to provide me accurate information and I don't believe she has failed me now."

"But master, shouldn't you be in school today?"

"I have arranged with my father to be excused for today so that I can settle my affairs. Once I have dealt with that wretched Saotome, the pig-tailed girl will be grateful of my heroics in releasing her from her enslavement." Kuno drifted off to Fantasy Island in his mind again.

"Master, the girl has a name. It's Ran..." Sasuke saw a lighting bolt hit a building two blocks down the street from the high school. "Master, what is going on over there?" He saw a small figure running across the street and a fireball exploded near him. The man was hurled in their direction.

Sasuke saw the little man go flying down the street with a trail of smoke following him. He turned back to the direction of the blast and saw two Sailor Senshi running up the street after the little man.

Kuno stood up in the rickshaw. He wanted to see these girls. The first that came was wearing a green mini-skirt and yelled "Supreme Thunder" as she ran by. A bolt of lightning came from her tiara and down the street. The second girl was wearing a red mini-skirt and shot a surprised glance at Kuno as she passed them. She turned her head to look at Kuno and ran straight into a light pole. She bounced off, shook her head and ran off after her companion.

Kuno was amazed at the vision of loveliness that he was graced with. The girl reminded him of the pig-tailed goddess. She had a flaming mane of beautiful red hair and blue eyes. "She gazed at me! She found me attractive! Sasuke! What is that girl's name?"

"Uh, Sailor something. They all look alike to me. I think they are color coded."

Kuno sat in his rickshaw. "I must ask Nabiki Tendo for information on these Sailors. Sasuke! Home!"

Sasuke lifted the legs of the rickshaw and started jogging home. He muttered to himself so no one else could hear, "Master, you can be so fickle sometimes. No, you are fickle all of the time."

Another man noticed the whole event and took several photos of the two Senshi. He walked over to the pole and took pictures of the Sailor Sun shaped dent in it. He continued to take pictures of the crater and lighting strike impacts. He put away his camera and left.


Happosai was cowering in a corner. Two very pissed off Senshi were towering over him. He didn't exactly mind the view.

Sailor Jupiter glowered over him. Her arms were in front of her ready to cast a spell, "Any last words?"

"Yeah, Happo Daikarin!" He threw a firecracker at the Senshi. The two Senshi easily dodged the firecracker and Sun grabbed Happosai as he tried to escape. She held him out at arms length. She held her free hand out and produced a small ball of fire in it.

Sun pitched Happosai into the sky and called out, "Searing Plasma Blast!" She threw her fireball at the little freak and the explosion sent him skyward toward Tokyo Bay.

Jupiter took aim, "Supreme Thunder Dragon!" A lighting bolt came from her hands and a bright flash was seen from Happosai's distant image.

"That freak doesn't seem to learn!" Sun gasped.

"Maybe this time he'll stay out of Juuban." Jupiter looked around and found Happosai's loot bag. "What do we do with this?"

"Drop it off at lost and found at school. Let's first change back though." Sun changed back to Ranko. Jupiter changed back as well.

The two girls started walking back to school. Makoto noticed that Ranko was wearing her red shirt and black pants. "Why were you Ranko anyways? You aren't wearing the right uniform if you are coming to school like that."

"I got hit with rain."

"Rain? There wasn't any rain." Makoto looked up at the sky. There were clouds but they were all white and fluffy.

Ranko sighed, "It rains on me from time to time." She glanced at Makoto, "I'm certain the beings that created Jusenkyo are enjoying themselves."

"It rained on you?" Makoto looked at the sky again.

Ranko stopped. She realized she forgot the thermos she had in her bag. She gave a happy smile and pulled out the broken thermos. She gave a sad frown and cursed. "I must have broken it when I hit Happosai."

"We'll find some hot water. In the meantime, do you have a bra?"

Ranko looked down at her chest. She didn't want to go dressed like this. She was actually developing feminine modesty. "Uh... No."

Makoto looked in the garment bag and found a bra that was Ranko's size. "Here, put this on."

Ranko shrugged. She slipped the bra under her shirt and put it on without showing anything private. "Thanks. However with my luck..."


Ranma gasped as the bra strangled him. Akane stood behind Ranma with a thermos. "There you go Ranma. All fixed up!" Akane gave a happy smile.

Ranma sucked in his chest to allow him to unclasp the bra. He slid it out from under his shirt and held it out to Makoto. She took it and put it back in the bag. Ranma thought, "Could it get any worse?"

Kato called out, "See, I told you he is gay!!" Yoshi, Kato and Akira laughed and walked off to school.

Ranma looked up at the sky. "Why do you hate me?"


By lunchtime, the school was awash with rumors of Ranma's curse, his sexual orientation and whether he was born a girl. Blissfully, Ranma was unaware of the gossip being spoken behind his back. He did manage to avoid two water balloon attacks and a squirt gun. He was called to the principal's office before lunch break.

Ranma's gym teacher and the principal were meeting with Ranma to arrange for his special needs. "Mr. Saotome, we cannot excuse you from gym class, however we will reserve a private shower stall for you away from the other students. Will this be acceptable?"

Ranma perked up. "Yes. As long as I don't have to share a shower with anyone, I'll be fine."

The principal was pleased that this problem can be fixed, "It's settled then."

The gym teacher spoke next, "I've watched you run yesterday. I must say. I am impressed with your performance. I was wondering if you'd consider joining our volleyball team."

Ranma smiled, he wanted to join a sporting team. It would help keep his body in shape. He thought about his job. He couldn't allow the team to interfere with the days he was scheduled to go to work. He really sank into his chair. Juuban only had a women's volleyball team. "Uh, you mean the men's team, right?"

"Well actually..."

"Did Minako put you up to this?"

He glanced at the wall and around the room, "Well she did recommend you, and you are physically female when you change and there is nothing in the rule book that prohibits your participation and the finals are coming up and..."

"I get the point." Ranma put his head down into his hand. "Let me think about it first. Ok?"

"Well, the team is practicing after school today. I'd like for you to join us. Do you have a female gym uniform?"

Ranma groaned, "Yes."

The teacher was showing signs of joy. He was beginning to think that Juuban might come in with a championship. Minako couldn't stop talking about how good Ranko was. "Great! Can you come to practice?"

"I said I'd think about it. I didn't say I'd do it."

"Oh, Minako said your name was Ranko when you are a girl."

Ranma wondered exactly how much did Minako tell the coach. "Yes. It is."

"Ok. Thanks. See you at practice." The gym teacher started humming and left the room.

"He doesn't hear very well. I said I'd think about it." Ranma buried his face in both hands.

"Here is your hall pass. Good day Mr. Saotome." The principal gave a tiny bow and went back to his desk.


Lunchtime under the official shade tree of the Sailor Senshi, it was feeding time and much food was consumed, mostly by Ranma and Usagi. Minako kept giving guilty glances to Ranma between bites of her bento.

"Minako, why did you tell the coach about me?" Ranma opened his lunch from the cafeteria.

"I know how good you are. With you on the team, we can't lose! We are so close to winning the championship." Minako pleaded, "C'mon, at least you can come to practice today."

Akane sat closer, "I'd like to try. Can I come to practice too?"

"Sure, why not? How are you at playing volleyball?"

Akane used to be clumsy, but since her intense martial arts training in the last few months, she had developed a grace that only a true warrior could attain. "I think I can do it."

"Great! Well, see you at practice and if you and Ranma, er... Ranko are good enough we can get you on the team."

Ranma shook his head. Akane was excited, Ranma gave a little smile back at Akane, if she was there, then maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Ranma looked over to Makoto, "Makoto, I was wondering. Could you show Akane some of your recipes and give her some pointers in the kitchen?"

Akane stopped being excited and wondered what mallet she should produce. Should she use the large one? The medium sized one? Or shall she just rely on random chance and grab the first one she can find in mallet space.

Makoto clasped her hands together, "Why I'd love to. Akane, wanna come to my place after practice and help me cook dinner?"

"I'd love to!" Akane was overjoyed. She closed the portal to mallet space. Ranma didn't need to die today.

"Wanna help... Ranko?" Makoto gave a cute smile.

Ranma held his hands under his face in a girlish pose. He spoke with an air of sarcasm, "Oh, but of course! Akane can't survive in the kitchen without me!" He batted his eyes.

Akira called out, "See he really is gay!" He ran off with his friends.

Ranma closed his eyes and gritted his teeth. "ARGH!" He thought, "Leave me alone will you." Ranma shot a glance at the sky for any sign of a cloudburst. He was still dry, for now. "Whew!"

A water balloon almost hit Ranma. Akane caught it and threw it back to Yoshi and got him soaked.

"Thanks, Akane."

Akane gave a knowing smile, "Don't mention it Ranko!" She should have let him get soaked on purpose. But for some reason she felt good protecting him for a change.


Gym class came and went. True to the teacher's word, there was an extra shower stall away from the main gym that was reserved for coaches and Ranma had complete use of it in private. He used his Senshi sense to make sure that no one was around and he took his shower. He was glad that he could retain at least a fragment of his dignity. He saw the coach confiscate the squirt gun that Yoshi tried to sneak near Ranma during the morning calisthenics. Juuban High School, he liked it here.

Ranma finished his shower and hit himself with a splash of cold water from the shower before turning it off. Ranko dried herself off and put on her female gym uniform. She put on the knee and elbow pads and grabbed her gym bag. It was time to try women's volleyball. She thought, "How did I allow Minako to talk me into this?"

Ranko went to the gymnasium where the indoor volleyball court was. She met up with all the other girls. Minako introduced Ranko to her teammates. Ranko could tell the team wasn't that thrilled at seeing Ranko and Akane at practice. It took a few minutes for Ranko to realize that for her to join the team, someone had to get bumped. She wasn't very comfortable with that thought. Minako and the coach must really want to win the championship if they wanted to bring Ranko in the mid-season.

"Ok, Ranko, you are on my side. Akane, go on the other side. Let's see what you can do." Minako took her position near the rear to serve the ball. The coach blew the whistle and the game began.

In seconds Akane smacked the ball back over the net. Yuka hit the ball back and Yoko tossed it to Akane who slammed it again over the net to Ranko. Ranko ran forward and smacked the ball with just a hint of ki to add speed. Akane saw through that and ran up to the net and slammed it back.

Ranko yelled, "KACHUU TENSHIN AMAGURIKEN" and quickly threw the ball back at Akane. Akane shouted, "KACHUU TENSHIN AMAGURIKEN" as well and the two girls bounced the ball at each other in such a high-speed fashion that the ball was nothing more than a solid white blur.

Minako's jaw dropped. The coach was getting whiplash watching the ball being pummeled back and forth between the combatants. Akane started throwing the ball in random directions around the net but Ranko was moving quickly to catch and throw the ball back and increased the pace. Ranko then leapt up to try to get a height advantage but Akane jumped as well. Akane hit the ball beyond Ranko's reach and it flew over her head, beyond the back of the court, out of bounds and through the back wall.

Ranko spun around to see where the ball went and cried out in joy when she saw that Akane caused a foul. "I win!" She jumped up and down for joy.

Akane caught her breath. "Let's do that again!"

The coach dropped the ball he was holding. Minako couldn't believe what she saw. The other team members were looking at the volleyball shaped hole in the wall. The team encircled Ranko and Akane and cheered. The coach slowly turned to Minako, "You say they are from Nerima? We should get some more players from there."

Minako ran over to Ranko and Akane, "Welcome to the team!"


Ranma, Akane, and Makoto walked together to Makoto's apartment. Makoto had heard that the two made the volleyball team, "It's great! I knew Juuban had a decent shot, but now with you two, we can't lose!"

Akane felt so proud of herself, "Minako couldn't stop dancing around. The coach was already picking out the place in the school trophy case where he wanted the trophy to sit."

Ranma was more interested in another matter, "I'm just concerned that I might be disqualified. After all, I'm a guy. Guys can't be on a women's team."

Makoto wasn't that concerned, "Well, isn't that why Minako had you join the team as Ranko. I mean, you're a girl when you change."

"Yeah, and if someone hits me with hot water on the court, I will look stupid in my uniform."

"That's why we'll have bottles of cold water handy. Besides, hot water is a lot harder to come by."

"Don't remind me." Ranma paused, "Oh man, not them again." He turned around and saw the pervert squad trying to hide behind a bush.

Ranma turned to Akane, "It's those jerks again." Ranma pretended not to notice them. They came out of their hiding place and started following Ranma again. Ranma opened his gym bag. He started rummaging through it. He found a smaller bag inside and gave a smile.

Akane glanced at Ranma's small bag. "What are you going to do?"

He gave an evil smile, "I'm a warrior of love and justice aren't I? Time for some justice." He spun around and ran to the pervert squad and had all three knocked unconscious in less than two seconds. He stood over the bodies and looked up at the nearest tree. He looked down at the three and produced his small purse and camera from his backpack. "Yes, time for a little justice."


"No Akane, that's vinegar." Makoto just couldn't believe how Akane couldn't follow simple directions. She wanted Akane to try cooking a casserole, but just greasing the pan properly seemed to be beyond her. She decided to have her bake a cake, but she kept confusing the salt and the sugar. Now, she was teaching her a simple vegetable stir-fry and she tried to use vinegar instead of cooking oil in the wok. The only thing that Akane seemed capable of doing was boil water. She at least seemed to have mastered that skill.

Ranma was sitting on the couch. He was already malleted twice for critiquing Akane's cooking and decided to stay out of the battleground known as the kitchen. He was preparing himself for the final attack, the meal itself.

"ARGH!" Makoto wanted to pound her head into the wall. Akane cut up the vegetables so violently that she sliced up the cutting board and mixed the wood with the celery. "Akane! That was my best cutting board!"

"I guess it was defective." Akane shrugged.

"It was not defective! I've had that board for two years." Makoto was frustrated.

Akane got discouraged. She put down the cutting knife and slumped on a kitchen stool. She slowly started to cry. "I'm sorry. I... I..."

Ranma heard Akane's words and came to her side. Akane looked up to him, "Oh Ranma... I'm such a failure." She put her head into Ranma's chest. "I want to be a good wife."

Ranma held her and gave her a hug. Makoto felt guilty for yelling at Akane. She picked up the ruined cutting board and watched it completely disintegrate in her hands.

Makoto looked at Akane and then examined the cutting board pieces. "Akane, why did you hit the board so hard?"

Akane paused for a moment and pressed the side of her head into Ranma's chest. "I was just trying to cut the vegetables like you asked."

Makoto kept looking at the board fragments. "You only need just a hint of pressure with the knife to cut a carrot. You really need to control your strength." Makoto went to a lower cabinet and got the spare cutting board. She had an idea and wanted to see if it would work. "Akane, come here."

Akane looked up at Ranma who smiled a smile of encouragement. Akane stood next to Makoto. Makoto took a carrot and placed it on the cutting board. She held the knife. "Now, as a martial artist, I always must keep focus and control. I must only use just enough force to defeat my opponent." She made a gentle strike and cut the carrot in two. "Now, you try."

Akane took the knife that Makoto offered. Akane looked at the two carrot halves. Makoto stood behind Akane. She whispered, "Keep control to defeat your opponent. Now, cut the carrot."

Akane cleared her mind and thought of what a carrot really was. Soft, weak and it won't move. She brought down the knife and cut one of the pieces in two without damaging the cutting board. "I did it!"

Makoto wasn't convinced yet. "Let's do that again!"

"Again! Again! Again!"


A very full Ranma finally was able to utter, "Now THAT was a meal!"

Makoto got up to start cleaning up the table. "Yes it was. Everything was delicious."

Akane still couldn't take her eyes off the salad bowl. She still destroyed the vegetable stir-fry, but she was able to master the art of a salad. It was a step in the right direction. Someday, Akane was going to learn to cook. She may never be as good as Makoto. But she was going to make her mother and her husband proud.

"Well, thanks for having us over." Ranma got up. He thought about visiting his mother again, but he decided to do it tomorrow right after school. He was just too stuffed, which for Ranma was an accomplishment in itself.

The Saotomes went out the door to walk home. Ranma wondered whatever happened to the perverts.


Yoshi, Akira and Kato were hanging from a tree. The fireman in the cherry picker alongside them was examining the rope that held them in place. The fireman was wondering how in the world did anyone carry these three people up so high. The fireman assured the group that they will be cut down in due time, "Don't worry miss, we'll have you down shortly."

The three men shot a collective icy stare at the fireman. The three had their hair done in bows, full makeup applied including lipstick, blush and mascara. There was a sign hanging below them reading, "Bad girls. Yoshiko, Kako-chan and Akirako."

On the ground was large cardboard sign with their phone numbers. Ranma was able to find the information from their wallets. Hanging around Nabiki actually did help in Ranma's training.

The three called out, "Ranma Saotome! Prepare to DIE!"

Author's Notes: Please review my story. It makes me feel oh so happy and keeps me from making that bump in the night sound you hear at midnight.

Last edited on November 18, 2002

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